1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad. |
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to shut up and sit down.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to shut up and sit down.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
18) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Some people cause happiness wherever they go, Others cause happiness .. whenever they go.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
24) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
