Defecative Thoughts

• The other day i was at work, sitting at my desk and blankly staring at the blank monitor, waiting for something brilliant to happen... unfortunately, nothing brilliant did happen... and that was when i decided that i had had enough with life... and decided to... download some jokes (and not kill myself! duh!)... just to make me feel better...20 jokes later, i went back to Google and searched for "funny jokes"...

• Ok... i'm taking a wild guess that 90% of you didn't get what i meant there... heh!... kinda reminds me of those Reader's Digest jokes... they have an entire page dedicated just for jokes... and none of them are funny... sometimes it gets real hard to even figure out what they meant!

• This is for drunkards... ever wondered how, when you are absolutely senselessly drunk, you have managed to switch off the light, and then, after fifteen minutes of sleep, you realize that you want to puke... and then... wonders of wonders... you can't find the light's switch... and you can't find your way to the loo in the dark either... and then there are a whole lot of possible consequences... 1. some smart people crawl all over the floor, and finally find their way to the loo... 2. you scramble all over the wall, and finally end up standing against the wall and sleeping off... 3. you quit trying and simply puke in the room itself... all over the walls, floor and the bed...

• After having watched four of his shows, i still can't figure out why people still continue watching the Russell Peters shows... it makes no sense... a third of the audience around the world who watch his videos are (i'm guessing) Indians... and he calls all Indians "Cheeky Stinkin' Bastards"... a third of his live audiences around the world are (again i'm taking a guess) Blacks... and he calls all Blacks "Black Motherf*****s"... duh!

• My close observations have led me to conclude that the most misspelt word in South India (i don't know about North India because i've never been to North India) would have to "Gobi Manchurian"... following are the common variants found here...
• Gobi Manjurien
• Kopi Menchurien
• Gopi Manchoorian
• Kobe Minchorian
• Kobi Manjoorian

• Oh!... i was in Pondicherry recently... and i happened to visit this place called Auroville... supposedly, this place symbolises peace and tranquillity... but then... the height of irony... the place was designed by an architect named Roger Anger!!...

• It's kinda hard to believe, but the name 'Gaylord' has been picking up pretty fast here... you see Gaylord Travels, Gaylord Garments, Gaylord Restaurant, Gaylord Time House... don't these people see what the name implies??... or are they trying to prove a point?????...

• I've always felt girls, no matter how hot and popular they are, who call each other 'babe', 'darling', 'gurl', 'sweety' etc. amongst their little 'girl gangs' go right on top of my loser ratings... jeezzz!!!.... they just have no lives!!!... pathetic!

• I was at a pretty famous church in Kerala a month ago... the kinda place where everything is quiet, and you see old females sitting here and there, murmuring prayers to themselves... and then... this Swedish couple enter the church (Swedish because i couldn't understand a word they were saying to each other... not that i would have understood if they were talking in French or Slovakian... but i prefer to stick with Swedish)... and they go right under the Crucifix and stare at it like they were seeing one for the first time... and then... the female draws out a camera and clicks a pic with the guy posing under the Crucifix... she even clicked a pic of the signboard under the Crucifix that read, in bold letters, "PHOTOGRAPHY STRICTLY PROHIBITED"... they went around the entire church clicking pictures... during her photography spree, she passed my mom who was sitting at the other end of the church... my mom, who normally scorns at all injustices in society, managed to greet the female with a faint smile... think about it... an Indian couple entering a church in Europe and clicking pics... for sure there would be someone who'd come up, throw the camera out and say "Get ouda here!... Now!!!"... Indians... sheeesh!!!...

• Ever wondered why it is "Good heavens no!" and "Hell yeah!"....???

• In any part of India, when there is a very big crowd outside a particular shop, it simply means that there is a television in that shop which is telecasting a live cricket match played by the Indian team... however... in Kerala, if you see a very huge crowd outside a particular shop, it simply means that the shop is a liquor store...

• I have never understood the point in holding these cross-city marathons for world peace, or for the world's heart patients, or AIDS patients and crap like that... do they think Bin Laden's gonna see the marathon and think "Oh crap... i shud never have taken down the WTC... i give up terrorism... i quit!"...????

This ad for Hero Honda keeps coming up on television... if there is anything such as a born loser, it is certainly that guy!!... and if there is a second place for being a born loser, that would have to go to the female!!... first of all, the guy travels halfway across the city just to say goodnight to a female who wears a curtain for pyjamas... in spite of having traveled halfway across the city, just to say goodnight to that loser female, the female doesn't let the guy sleep over and sends him back... and if that weren't enough, the guy comes back all the way a second time to reply to her!!!... whatever happened to men with balls!!!... sigh...

      

All In A Week's Time

so much has happened this week!!!!.....

first of all, my fifth tooth.... bang!... gone!!!!.... a fifth extraction.... (i must be closing in on the records for the most number of extractions!!!!).... this one being the most messiest of all.... i got stitches in my mouth.... oh god! the sight of the doc sewing away into your mouth, and then later on feeling the bunch of thread in your mouth... i wouldn't exactly call it a delightful experience!!!....

then there was the visit to JJ's.... as usual, the sleek bottle of Romanov was waiting for me at his place!!!!.... ah.... such a pleasure!!!.... anyways this time things didn't exactly go real smooth for me.... with all the puke and stuff.... i've taken up a cagg and have decided to firmly stick to it!!!!.... i really hate it when things end up with puke.... the worst part with me is that, even though i always aim correctly for the commode, it just ends up all over the toilet (floor and walls!!!.... and my clothes... sometimes).... things get real ugly if you puke in your sleep and manage to not realise it!!!.... then, in the morning you end up waking in a pool of puke and your shirt'd be caked with dry puke.... i guess i need not go into the details about the odor!!!....

and finally... my broken nose.... on my bus ride back home.... as usual i was sound asleep.... drooling on mine and my co-passengers' shirts..... and then BAMMM!!!!.... the stupid driver slammed the brakes!!!.... and BBBBAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!!..... my head went flying forward and crashed into the bar in front of me.... i'm not sure whether my nose is actually broken.... but i can surely feel something very freely moving around in my nose.... and the pain is a slight preview of hell!!!!.... but i'm too scared to go to a doc and get the thing scanned.... i can barely imagine a doc sewing away into my nose!!!!........

Trip To Kodai

after three and a half years, i finally decided to join my college pals on a long distance trip.... to kodai.... KODAIKKANAL.... left on 30th sept.... as usual i couldn't tell my parents i was going on a trip.... since the mobile connectivity in Kodai is pathetic, i had to make up some excuse for that.... "the airtel tower in my area had fallen and is under repair, so i won't be able to attend any calls for the next few days" was the smartest i could think of!!!!.... (geeeez!!!... how stupid!!!!....).... and so we set off on our trip!!!!.... five of us... Amitabh, Amrit, Anuj, Shankar and me... and then!!!... it happened!!!.... we reachd!!!!.... some weird-ass place named bottle-a-goond.... wonder what drug these pandis take when they're naming places!!!!.... and so frm bottle-a-goond we took a bus ride uphill to kodai.... took us more than 2hrs!!!.... and then we reached the god forsaken place!!!!.... amazin place i must say!!!!.... an average temp of 12degrees!!!... predy cool for a place in tamilnadu.... then there was the usual superchargers... had mushrooms for the 1st time in my life.... and promised myself i'd never ever touch another mushroom in my life!!!!.... (not because i almost got killed or something.... but because i had no idea whether i was high, or was acting stupid!!!!) sept 3rd.... we got our asses out of kodai and back into chennai the next day.... oh n btw.... my friends and me have decided to observe oct 3rd as International Puke Day because of the number of asls who puked in the bus on our way back to chennai.... on d whole, one hell of a trip....