Freedom-di-di-dumb

Gabbar used to be a resident of Unfree Village... now, the specialty of Unfree Village was that job opportunities was zilch... so every man was a thief... small boys were trained to become professional thieves when they grew up... getting caught and going to prison was part of the job nature...

And Gabbar got caught too... he was placed in a tiny prison cell - barely enough place for a bed, a table and a commode... but life was kinda good... the food was excellent - he didn't have to steal to earn it... however, two years later, the prison management changed hands... the new management wanted to give the inmates more 'freedom'... so they shifted all of them to new cells... these cells were much bigger than the previous ones... but, there was no bed, no commode, and no good food... the inmates had to sleep on the floor, they could shit and piss anywhere they liked in the cell, and the only food they got was the remains of what the prison officials had eaten...

And the new management called this 'freedom'... some people liked it because they were allowed to do whatever they liked as long as they remained in their cells, while others despised it because life had become a ball of crap, and the new management was simply terrible at management...

This... is independence in India... Happy Independence Day to all fellow Indians!!...

What are we really independent from??!!... God alone knows... at least if the Brits were still here, we would have had more Pizza Huts, McDonalds' and KFC's everywhere!!... and we would have had Brit gurls in college!... that way we wouldn't have to put up with the attitudes of the plain-looking local girls!!...

Anyways, that reminds me, i was at Chicking yesterday... yes... i keep going back to these places inspite of them having fooled me a zillion times... i guess i simply have no other choice!!... i was going through the menu, and suddenly i came across this offer... yeah... yet another offer!!!... this time it was called the 'NRI Fest'... i didn't really get the whole idea behind the thing... there's this regular chicken bucket that costs around 400 bucks normally... in the 'NRI Fest' package, all they did was throw in a box of fries and a PET Coke, with the chicken bucket, and lo!... it's 750 bucks!!!... either they think NRI's are dumb (which seems like the more likelier case), or they think all NRI's own Cadillacs, and three-storeyed houses with jacuzzis and a separate room for the home theatre, and a couple of poodles!!...

Phew... Onam's just a week away!!... (wooo!... time's surely passing real fast... i still remember last year's sadhya)... sometimes i wonder whether Mahabalipuram was named after Mahabali... hmmm... nahhhh.... that couldn't be... the tamils would never be so generous enough to name a whole place after a non-tamil... that too, a MALLU!!!!!!!!... oh these tamils!... they surely do have the knack of making a mallu feel out of place... sigh... the woes of a mallu should-have-been-engineer-but-became-writer-thanks-to-a-wicked-twist-of-destiny...

Speaking of 'should-have-been-an-engineer', there was this time when the TV at home began making weird noises at the back, but the picture was just fine... my mom kept pestering me to check what was wrong... i asked her to wait till the picture went out... the pestering grew even more pestering, till i finally got up to check what was wrong... but at the back of the TV, there was this sign that read "This cover should be removed by experienced professionals only"... since i wasn't experienced or professional, i went back to my seat... my mom got utterly butterly pissed off and screamed, "What kind of an engineer are you? Simply wasting 4 years!"... come to think about it, why this injustice only towards engineers??... by the time we complete 4 years of engineering, we're supposed to know how to repair a television, a car, the local substation, a space craft, a time machine, and a satellite flying in space!... why is it that people don't ask a medical grad to perform a heart surgery or a liver transplant at home???... why only us?????...

(Ok, i guess i'm getting addicted to Facebook as well... almost every second post in this blog has something about Facebook!) There's this recent annoying habit few of my friends have gotten into... they blog about some crap (called 'Notes' in FB lingo) and then they go about tagging each and every one in their friends list to the blog... and then, idiots like me go through the entire crap, hoping to find our names mentioned somewhere in the blog... very clever!... that's made all the idiots in their friends list go through the entire nonsense they've written... wish these 'clever' people would use their brains for the development of the country!!... now that it's independence day...

I can't wait for BSNL to launch their 3G and 4G services... as Deepika Padukone says, i'm expecting it to improve my life and make it more exciting!!... ah... life's really gonna turn exciting when i turn 30... i've promised four friends that i'll be going on an all-India roadtrip with them (individually!) as soon as i turn 30... haha!!... should be fun... as long as the world doesn't end by 2012!!!...

PS: i hate the fact that Blogger doesn't have the autocorrect feature...

ciao!

A New Beginning!!!!

k... i titled the post so, only 'cos of the blog's new name.... i'm still the same.... and plus i couldn't think of any other suitable title!!!....
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it was one of those days.... one of those very rare days... i had the television remote in my hands for a full 2-3hrs!!!.... my mom had an emergency committee meeting downstairs and in the hurry she forgot to take the remote along... (God!!... these people have these secret meetings like as if they're running a country or something!!!...).... ok, i was just kidding... she doesn't carry the remote with her when she goes out, but i can definitely tell you that she's deeply attached to the remote!!... anyways, i was flipping through the channels... and there was this feature on NDTV about the IIFA awards... since there was nothing else 'watchable', i decided to stick to it... to start with (call me dumb or ignorant or whatever you want), i don't know the expansion of IIFA... i'm guessing one of the I's stand for Indian and the 'F' stands for Film... anyways, this year's IIFA was in Macau.... hmmm.... i've read about Macau in one of those Jason Bourne series... think it's a beautiful place.... oh!!!... can you believe this??.... i haven't watched Bourne Identity!!!!.... i've watched Bourne Ultimatum though.. it's always happened to me... most of the times, i end up watching the sequel before the original.... Terminator-2, M:I-2, Transporter-3, Ocean's Twelve... the list is endless... ok, back to Macau... more than the show itself, NDTV was focussing more on the backstage antics of the stars... which i found very annoying.... bollywood (or Indian cinema, for that matter) has never dazzled me enough.... i can't stand the Bachchans, or Khans or whoever's left in the industry... after a painful 80% of the show, the stage shows were finally being shown... and yesss!!!!!..... my fav!!!!.... at any bolly stage show, the only item i look forward to is Malaika Arora's item number!!!.... such a graceful lady, she's an epitome of the traditional Indian woman/mother.... hmmmm.... there was a four-letter acronym for a "graceful mother".... not able to recall it now though... anyways the show went on and on and on till i began wishing it would end... and then it happened!!!!.... something caught my eyes... and ears!!!!.... the latest buzz to do the rounds in tinseltown is that one of the bolly actors resembles Jesus Christ!!!.... and guess who the lucky man is... i'll give you a clue... the guy has got more than ten fingers... ha!... talk about the second coming of Christ!!!... i never thought he'd be dancing like a retard singing Koi Mil Gaya!!!!.... certainly, The Gods Must Be Crazy!!!!....

i had had enough of Macau... i flipped the channel and what do i see??... another sign of development in Pakistan!!!..... as an Indian, i'm pretty much proud that our neighbouring country is developing at such a fast pace... every weekend, a couple of patriotic Pakis join hands and blow up old buildings, so that they can use the land.... for agriculture perhaps... (k i hope no Paki is readin this!!!.... i can barely imagine my apartment getting blown into pieces!!!.... in case you do wanna blow up my building, mine is the third building on your right on MG Road, Ethiopia)... oh... speaking of Pakis, i was watching this cricket match between some country and Pakistan.... and there was this instance when the television camera was angled directly behind a Paki player's back... the player's name was Salman Butt... so guess what name was written on the player's shirt.... oh gawd!!!!..... i found it so damn hilarious!!!.... i burst out laughing!!!!... the ROTFL kinda laughter!!!!.....

ok... back to the television... i was already into the wee hours and still flipping channels.... guess i was taking maximum advantage of the control over the remote... it was then that i came across this new show on AXN... ok i don't know whether the show is actually a new show, but i called it a new show 'cause i was seeing it for the first time.... it's called Scare Tactics.... k a word about the host.... now this guy thinks he's James Bond or one of those superheroes (when in reality he reminds me of the retarded butler with those weird slimey fingers in one of those Scary Movies), and he presents the show as if he's introducing some scientific innovation, that he's invented, and can change the world's future!!!... let me tell you, the show is absolute bullcrap... what the show is all about is that, an accomplice (another retard) tries to scare the shit out of his/her friend (the biggest retard).... no wonder the show's got such an eerie time slot on AXN!!!.... only zombies would be awake and watching the show at such unearthly hours of the night!!!... (ok... so who's the zombie now!!!...) the whole thing is so amateurish... first of all, the "hidden" camera is so damn obviously "unhidden"!!.... the acting of the people around the victim is so pathetic that they'd fail an audition for a cheap american porno muvie!!!!.... and then after a lot of fake screams and tears, when the magic line 'you're on Scare Tactics' is rolled out, the victim goes "oh my God! that was sooooo scary" or "my heart's pounding! here... can you hear it??? that was the scariest thing in my life!!!!".... they try their best to make themselves look like a wussy and they very well succeed in doing so!!!.... how i wish the show's name was 'Bullshit Tactics'.... and the host got beaten up like the 'You Got Punk'd' guy in The Epic Movie.... i admire Kal Penn for the thrashings he gave the guy!!!....

ah... as i wrap up, i can hear Cold's Stupid Girl playing in the background... i kinda love the song.. sometimes it reminds me of a particular stupid girl i used to know till couple of months back.... ha!!!....

The Name Is Bravia.... Sony Bravia....

i'm a television...
i was born in japan last year... my name is sony bravia.... i had over a thousand twin sisters and brothers.... and the funny thing is all of them had the same name.... i was 42inches at birth....
it was there that i first fell in love.... a really hot chick.... she was a petite 38inches....
as fate would have it, even her name was sony bravia!!!!... (i wondered if our parents were so unimaginative as to name all the kids the same!!!)
i'd totally fallen for her awesome curves.... we would meet every night after the lights were out and make love.... i was determined to make as many kids as possible and use my common sense and name all of them differently...
but before i could fulfill my desire, i had to breakup with my gurl... i was getting a transfer to some place called Muscat... i wondered what life would be like there...
finally the day came... i gave my girl a hug, bid my final farewell and joined my friends on a ship....
several days and sea-sickness bouts later, i finally landed in Muscat...
Gawd!!!.... the place was so friggin' hot!!!!... i almost felt like as if i were in some manufacturing plant!!!....
and the people who carried me around.... the way they spoke sounded like as if they had something stuck up their throats!!!....
i was feeling homesick... i desperately wanted to get back to Japan... i finally made it to a place called a showroom... oooooooooh.... the place was amazing!!!..... fully air-conditioned...
ah! this was life!!!....
i wondered how my girl was doing back in Japan.... i felt the urge to hook up with a girl....but it was getting really difficult... the place was heavily guarded by surveillance cams.... the last thing i wanted was to see my own sex video on the net!!!...
next day onwards, life got really busy fer me.... all kinds of people came to check me out.... arabs, brits, americans, pakis, indians.....
crazy!!!!....
finally an indian family bought me!!... after the amount of bargaining they did, i felt so cheap and insulted... i felt i could do better if i sold myself on the streets!!!!...
at home, they had another old tv.... it looked somewhat like grandma...
i've never seen grandma before but i've seen her pics... she also used to have a big butt just like this one...
they hung me on a wall in the sitting room.... from there i got a pretty good view of the entire place... for the first few days, everything was good.... the three of them, dad, mom and son used to watch me in the nights...
a week later, the parents had to go out of station for a week... and that's when my adventures began...
on the first day, the son brought something called a playstation and plugged a hell lot of wires into my ass... my ass has bin sore ever since....
the next day, he brought some friends over and they brought couple of DVDs.... i felt really embarrassed when i played them.... they were all x-rated.... i felt really ashamed of myself.... i'd never dun such a thing before and i was bringing a bad name onto our family....
that evening, he brought his girlfriend home and they watched a movie.... one thing led to another, and they started making out in front of me.... i tried to make sum noise to remind them that i was there... but nothing worked....
all this went on for a week till the parents got back.... i was greatly relieved to see them!!!!....
the next day after they got back, there was a terrorist attack in the area....
four gunmen stormed into the house and shot the mom, dad and son....
all three of them lay dead in front of me....
i couldn't believe my eyes....
i was about to burst out in tears when..... WAIT A MINUTE!!!!.... i just realized something!!!!.... all this while in my life, i'd always thought that i was the most jobless guy on earth!!!!.... but then, now i've realized that there are people who are so jobless that they go to the extent of taking time out to sit and read the life story of a stupid television!!!!!!!!...................

Are You Dumber Than A 5th Grader To Watch This Show?????

what's with these TV shows these days????????... talk about "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader"...
and talk about smart Indians!!!... they create an indian version of the same screwed up show, and if that wern't enough, they cast a star, who hosted one of India's 'supposed-to-be-best' gameshow and turned it into a 'never-wanna-be-seen-again' gameshow, as the damn host!!!!
i've not bothered to watch the indian version, so i don't know much about it....
talking about the American original....
sheeeeesh!!!!!....
i can bet that if i ask 5 American kids what anthropoids are, maybe 1 kid out of the 5 might know the answer!....
and these guys on the show think it is 3rd grade biology!!!...
whoever said that the Indian system of education is totally complex and involves a lot of 'by-hearting', was a real loser!!!... because in the American system, kids of the 4th grade are supposed to memorise the names of all the 45 (or so) American Presidents in chronological order as a part of their 4th grade history!!!... now beat that!!!!....
i bet 85% of the Graduates in India don't know the names of all the Indian Presidents in chrono order!!!!... ( i don't know for one!)...
another part i hate in the show are the damn hyper-active kids...
there are these fat good-for-nothing female contestants who come on stage, and on seeing these hyper-active kids, get equally hyper and start jumping n dancing!....
worst part about all this is, more and more such kind of game shows keep coming up by the day....
sometimes i realy wish there was somethin like an Anti Nonsense-Gameshows Committee, where we can voice our hate for these shows!!!....

The Moment Of Embarrassment

nahhhh.... i'm not going to talk about some embarrassing moment that i had in my life... (duh! i got better things to do!)
instead i'm going to talk about the gameshow "THE MOMENT OF TRUTH"....

it was one of those rare times when my mom had actually left the TV free and i was lucky enough to get hold of the remote...
so there i was.... joblessly flipping through the channels...
that was when i hit upon something really flashy and interesting on star world...
it was a new gameshow whose advert had really caught my attention....
the name of the show was "THE MOMENT OF TRUTH"....
it wasn't until i watched my first episode that i found my fascination for the show melt down almost instantaneously....
it's a show in which a host (who presents the whole thing like as if he were asking the questions while he was being held at gunpoint!) asks a whole series of totally personal questions and the contestant is connected to a lie detector.... one lie and the contestant loses millions... and he has to do it in front of a huge crowd that includes his/her family in the front row!!!... so, with each truth he keeps losing the respect of his family members...
a more apt name for the show would have been "EMBARRASS ME IN PUBLIC"!!!!....
anyways... based on what i've seen on the show so far, i've conducted a survey and these are some of my findings....
->79% of the American men population has slept with more than 100 women before they were 24
->83% of American population think their dad is an embarrassment to them
->81.29% of American men population and 91.29% of American women population are not happily married
->84.5% of American men population are not currently dating the hottest chick they've ever dated
->66% of American men population got paid for sex when they were in college


GET A LIFE AMERICANS!!!!.... (don't give us poor Indians any competition for the top spot in the loser ratings!!!)