Monsoon Blues

it's been a week since the end of the IPL frenzy... it's been pretty peaceful ever since!!... no more of weird accronyms like CSK, RCB, DD etc... no more of the very "smart and illustrious" Lalit Modi.... no more of the mediocre anchoring and 'Mandy'!!!.... and sadly no more of the hot cheergirls either.. (bah!)... anyways looks like it wont last much long, with the world cup coming up in less than a week!!!... cricket... cricket... cricket... so annoying!!...

hmmmm... looks like good ol' recessions hitting me pretty hard... even though i see "the" shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, i'm taking real long to approach it... and thanks to my seizure last tuesday, i'm not even allowed to go anywhere beyond a 10km radius from my apartment!!!... so it's pretty much like a house arrest.... sigh... since i'm spending so much time at home, atleast its helped in finally making my bedroom look like a bedroom!!!.... till a month back, the only things in my entire bedroom was a bed and my mom's sewing machine (my mom's ultra modern sewing machine, mind you!!... not one of those black types, which those tailors use, with brand names like 'butterfly' or 'eagle' or the sorts... this one's got a sleazy black handheld electronic controller with a cluster of push buttons... k i guess that's enough about the sewing machine...)... my perfectionist mom wouldn't tolerate a drop of water on the floor, let alone a piece of paper!!... anyways, now that i've been spending 'quality' time at home, the floor is strewn with clothes, dirty floaters and shoes, then there's a lizard in the room and the sewing machine has now officially become my medicine rack... yeah.... there're loads of medicines... during monsoons, my immunity levels are usually at an all-time low.... oh!... something on the lighter side.... i was driving around today morning and i saw this very huge mongoose waiting to make a dash across the road... (let me remind you that it's always been a fascination for me to kill a cat by running over it with a car... though i've never got the opportunity to do so..)... so now here i was!!... with a ripe opportunity... even though it wern't a cat, a mongoose was a substitute good enough... however, the smart mongoose was already making smart plans... it'd figured that, at the speed i was driving, it'd have enough time to clear the road and wave back at me... poor thing!!... it jumped!!... and i jumped onto the accelerator!!.... CRUNCHCHCHCHCH!!!!.... the head was flatter than my mom's chapattis and was pasted to the ground... i slowed the car and watched the action through the rear view mirror... the mongoose's remaining body was twisting and turning rapidly (in pain, i guess! lol!!)... anyways, that's the story about the ill-fated mongoose... oh... recently i was reading this book by an indian author... it kinda made me wonder... almost all low key celebrities (those who're less gossipped about) usually are stuck in a job that todally sux... and their bosses are total whackos, who need their heads to be chopped off!!!.... and these celebs usually have a weird nickname for the boss... (in this case it was 'Shruti the Horrible'... ok no prizes for guessing the name of the book!).... since everyone's doing so, even ive decided to follow suit... (i like to consider myself a celebrity 'cos, for one, i'm bad at handling relationships, and two 'cos ive been on TV twice... the first time was in my first year during our college's strike... a large number of us were moving out of the college as a group, and a reporter was interviewing two of my friends in the front... and i was frantically jumping up and down and waving at the camera from the back... thus i made my TV debut on CNN-IBN.... the second time was in my 3rd year, i think... VG and i had gone for a play... and after the play, SS music was taking a video of the crowd gathered outside.... and i managed to make a 1.2 second cameo.... even though offers have been pouring in after that for TV appearances, due to my busy schedule, i haven't been able to accept any...)... since currently i'm jobless and don't have a boss, ive decided to name my ex-boss... the boss, who was my boss for a single working day, the next non-working day (i took leave that day), and the next half day i got fired... so two and a quarter days to be precise... hmmm... his name was Doug... it used to be funny the way pandis used to pronounce his name!!... 'Duck-uh' was how they did it!!... bah... these pandis!... anyways, abt the name for Doug.... hmmm... i guess Doug the Bug should do... haha!!!... weird!!!.... (hehe... Doug was a nice guy actually.... sad he didn't approve much of my blogging 'skills'...)

oh... i was walking down the streets today and i saw this poster of a new malbari movie... looks like 'Mollywood' is trying to cash in on the Slumdog Millionaire success.... i can't recollect the name of the movie, but i can clearly remember the catch phrase of the movie - "Story of a dog and a millionaire"... gawd!!!... these mallus!!....

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phew!... i just got through with a very entertaining session in church!!... (the sunday service actually)... back in college, attending church use to be a 'once-in-6-months' affair... now thanks to my mother's persistence, i attend church every weekend!!... anyways, the church has certainly evolved and become more fun over the years... back in the 90s, going to church only meant sitting, standing, kneeling and lip-synching... but these days, a lot of fun activities are also included during mass... one of the more popular games is 'Locate Your Parent'... but this one's strictly for kids below age 3... but if your kid's retarded, a special consideration is given upto 5years of age... the rules of the game are pretty simple... the kid has to first decide which parent he wants to stick to (in india, men and women are made to sit separately.. even if the woman is the guy's wife/mother/sister/aunty/gramma/mistress)... then the kid has to memorise the exact location of its parent... the kid then has to run around all over the church... as fast as it can... extra points are earned for beating up other kids, stepping on others' feet and walking through pews... after a minute or two, the real fun starts.... the kid has to retrace its way back to its parent... a time limit of 10mins is set... if the kid doesn't locate its parent by then, it loses the game and it has to stop and scream at the top of its lungs till its parents begin to flush with embarrassment... for those people without kids and over 15yrs of age and not retarded, the best way to keep you occupied is to take out your mobile and browse or play games on it... but this is absolutely not suited for people (like me) with 'uninteresting' fones (like mine) with games like snake, tetris etc... the third and most popular activity, suited for people like me (categorised 'cos of my fone) and old age people, is to go to sleep!!.... but you should be alert enough to stand and kneel at the right times... and it can be really embarrassing if you begin drooling on your shirt, let alone the shirt of the person sitting next to you!!...

come to think about it, these activities are allowed only in indian churches.... back in muscat, there used to be enough number of 'scantily-clad' chicks to keep us distracted... (sometimes when you think about it, it's funny how almost all the guys in my school were perverts, even the toppers!!!... but then... look at what fine gentlemen we turn out to be!!!... we owe ISM big time!!!...).... but the disadvantage is that it can be a real embarrassment if you're seated with your parents... and more so if the chick is your friend!!!!.... lol!!!.....

Peace Out!!!!!!

What Happened Yesterday....

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crap!!!... the damn alarm!!!.... holy shit!!.... it's seven in the evening!!!!... i missed breakfast and lunch!!!!.... groan... i'm so friggin' hungry!!!.... i jumped out of bed and jumped into the shower... wow!!!... feels good today... the shower's never been so smooth... the water is crystal clear too!!!.... awesome! no, wait a minute!... the water tastes sweet too!!!!.... aite... now its getting a little too far fetched!!!... Randeep!!!!.... guess it's time to move your ass out of the shower!!!...

ok... time to go grab something to eat... hmmm.... grab! grab, grab, graaaaaaabbbbbbb..... pretty word... GRAB!.... "Ma i'm leaving...".... no response.... hmmm.... no wonder why my sleep wasn't disturbed!!... she must have gone over to the neighbour's.... i locked my apartment door and punched the call button for the elevator.... hmmmm.... the elevator's empty.... empty elevators always get me excited... the thought of getting stuck in an elevator for many hours together always gets my adrenaline pumping!!!... "WHATTTTT???!!!!... it gets your adrenaline pumping???!!!!.... you kidding me??!!!... that's so weird!!!!... people usually boil their nuts when they get stuck in an elevator!!!!.... uhmmmm.... didn't this elevator door close about half a minute ago???... yeah!!!... i guess so.... of course it's closed!!!... the door's right in front of me!!!... and it's closed damnit!!... then why on earth isn't it moving???!!!..... is it out of order???.... noooooo!!!!... of course not!!!!.... then why isn't it moving you fool???!!! hey wait a minute!!.... aren't we supposed to do something to make it move???.... look around you Randeep.... do you see anything???... nahhhh.... nothing much.... just a set of numbered buttons.... THE BUTTONS!!!!.... those are the buttons you fool!!!.... you gotta hit the button corresponding to the floor you wanna go!!!.... oh!!.... oh yeah!!!.... i just remembered!!!.... oh... now!!!.... the button... c'mon RJ!!!... use your rotten good-for-nothing brain and figure out which floor you wanna go to!!.... uhmmmm.... no idea!... and 'good-for-nothing' brain uh???.... that'd mean my brain is actually good for nothing!!!... how then do you expect me to figure out the floor, wise guy???.... haaa haaa... very funny!!! which floor do you go to, to exit the damn building, you hollow-headed ass??!!!.... oh yeah!!... the Ground floor!!!!.... i'm pretty much sure about that!!!.... then hit the godaim 'G' button asshole!!!... as i walked out of the building, i suddenly remembered.... damn!!!.... i forgot my cellphone!!... ah screw it!!... anyways i always keep it switched off.... what's the use of it then!!!... what if you need help you fool??!!!.... like if you get kidnapped or something.... guess my kidnapper'd be smart enough to give my parents a buzz!!!!.... ah... you got a point there buddy!!!.... i took a deep breath of fresh air, and set out on my wallk.... (yeah.... wallk... no!!!.... not walk!!... this wallk is my kinda walk... nooo!!!!..... i don't do any weird-ass moves while walking, duh!!!.... it's just that.... ah forget it!!!.... how does it matter to you anyways???!!!!....) daim!!!... i need new photographs for my new passport.... CRAPP!!!!....

(okay.... fast forward.... i wallked, wallked, wallked.... wallked to the studio, got my foto clicked, and now i'm at the counter)
STUDIO GUY: it's gonna take 15mins... you can wait over there and collect your fotos before you leave....
ME: nahhhh.... it's fine.... i'll take them tomorrow....
SG: sir, won't it be convenient if you take them today itself???
M: i'm kinda hungry now... need to get something to eat.... and anyways i got nothing to do tomorrow!!!....
SG: aite listen up kid! get your fine ass in that corner and take your godaim pix with you, before i decide to spread your brains outside as my doormat!!!....
M: ok ok chill dude!!!.... i'll wait... and i ain't a kid... don't you see my goatee????... k k i'll be waiting....
i could suddenly feel my stomach shrinking... it kept on shrinking!!!... shrinking, shrinking, shrinking, and even more shrinking.... finally it stopped shrinking.... by then i guess it'd shrunk to such a size that even a peanut wouldn't fit in it... i lost my apetite and wasn't hungry anymore... exactly after 15mins, i had a tiny envelope in my hands with my fotos in it.... i didn't even bother to check the pix.... i grabbed them and rushed out of the studio.... i felt much easier as soon as i hit the street.... surprisingly the street was empty.... not a single living thing around... stark empty!!!.... (okay...is the adjective 'stark' used only with 'naked'???...) whoa!!!.... it's kinda creepy in here!!!!.... oh finally!!!.... there's a human being!!!.... yeeeeeeeshhhhhh!!!!!..... he's so daim hairy.... i can't even see his face!!!!.... why won't the moron even shave???!!!! oh.... he looks like a beggar.... no wonder why the moron can't shave.... he can't afford a mach3... he might miss out on a fortnight's meals if he used his money to buy a mach3!!!!..... wait!!!!.... shudaaap!!!!.... what's he saying????.... or singing rather????.....
"I ain't got no money..... i ain't got no car to take you on a date..... i came here to buy you flowers.... but together we could be the perfect soulmates..... talk to me girl...."
hey i've heard that song somewhere..... its one of my favs!!!!..... yeah!!!.... its one of those Timbaland songs.... yeah! yeah! yeah!.... uhmmmm... but why is he looking at me????.... "Talk to me gurl.... c'mon talk to me!!!... c'mon gurl...".... "hey mister... i ain't no gurl, asshole.... can't you see my goatee???...."..... the bugger, sorry, beggar kept following me saying the same thing.... i began running... but, what shit!!!.... I'm not even able to run 5metres!!!.... i can barely breathe.... my asthma's getting the worse of me!!!.... i stopped running, and began walking fast.... he kept following me wherever i went.... street after street.... he just wouldn't tire out.... ah!!!.... finally!!!!.... the Renaissance Hotel!!!... atleast they won't allow the beggar in!!!.... i rushed in... i felt much safer.... i walked into the restaurant.... as i walked to my table, everyone started staring at me.... what???... am i naked or something???.... i had half a mind to let them get a piece of my mind.... but then... such behaviour is totally not recommended in such places.... atleast in my situation, where a beggar thinks i'm a girl and is waiting for me outside!!!.... i sat at a double seater corner table... i wasn't really hungry.... but i had to order something.... i decided i'll have an orange juice, and went through the menu to check out its price.... holy shit!!!... What tha heck!!!!.... did they import the oranges from the arctic circle???!!!!..... i finally decided to go for chicken soup.... even though bargain-wise it didn't make much sense, i figured it'd be the only non-juice item on the menu that'd go easy on my already shrunken food bag, a.k.a stomach....
Waiter: what would you like to have sir???
Me: a chicken soup please....
W: what???!!!!... a chicken soup???!!!!....
M: yeah!!!!.... a chicken soup!!!!.... what???... did it sound like pig brain soup to u????
W: ok sir!!!.... chicken soup it is!!!... thank you!!!... your chicken soup's already on its way!!!!....
M: k.... ask it to drive faster!!!!!....
the waiter gave me a puzzled look and hurried off.... man!!!!!..... my sense of humour is gonna get me killed someday!!!!!..... how i wish i could buy a new one!!!!.... gawd!!!!... there i go again!!!!....
the soup arrived 25mins later.... hmmmm.... guess the chicken soup wasn't a fast driver after all!!!!.... oh shuddaaap Randeep!!!!.... daim!!!... the soup'd godaim hot!!!!.... hmmmm..... let me check out the fotos while it cools.... i took out the six copies.... hmmmmm.... not bad.... pretty good!!!..... one.... two.... three.... four.... fi..... WHAAAAAAA???!!!!!!..... wut tha holy crap???!!!!..... the fifth pic had me with my eyes blackened, my skull broken and a bandage around my skull!!!!.... a lump formed in my throat.... i slowly took out the sixth foto.... HOLY CRAP!!!!..... my eyes had been gauged out of my skull.... my sockets were dark and hollow.... and instead of my goatee was a red patch of bloody skin, with blood dripping down.... like as if the goatee had been ripped of my face!!!.... the next instant i puked all the soup i'd just had.... all over the table.... i was friggin' embarrassed.... i picked up all the fotos, dropped a 100bux note on the table and ran out of the restaurant!!!..... i ran, ran, ran, ran and ran..... hmmmm... no wonder why my name is RANdeep!!!!.... pathetic joke again Randeep!!!..... why don't you shudap and concentrate on the running???!!!!.... anyways i ran, ran, ran n ran and reached my apartment.... strange!!!... its still locked!!!!.... mom's still not home!!!!!.... something's fishy..... i opened the door and got in.... i was more than happy to find my bed!!!!..... i took off my shoes and jumped into it.... huh???.... my bed seems smaller... no.... there's a hole in the middle.... whoa!!!!.... when did this happen???.... wha..... i suddenly found myself falling into the hole.... very deep hole.... i kept falling, falling, falling and falling.... it was very dark.... couldn't see a thing..... finally i landed on a surface with a thud.... ouch!!!.... that hurt.... where is this place anyways???..... and what's that????..... someone was counting..... "Ten.... Nine..... Eight..... Seven..... Si......" it went on.... on and on and on..... finally..... "Three..... Two..... One....."..... i closed my eyes..... i expected some big blast.... like a bomb or something like that.... now, now, now..... BOOOMMM!!!!!....... "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"....... wha????.... what was that????.... a beep instead of a boom???!!!!!.... and the beep sounds familiar.... somewhat like my stupid alarm.... IT IS MY STUPID ALARM!!!!..... open your damn eyes and check what's going on idiat!!!.... yeah!!!... good idea..... i opened my eyes..... broad daylight..... my stupid alarm was beeping.... huh???..... my bed!!!.... where's the hole????..... ahhh.... i'm hungry!!!!.... but you just had soup!!!!..... what???.... what soup????.... chicken soup, you ass!!!!... at The Renaissance!!!!.... The what????.... i've never even heard of that place!!!!..... what about the beggar????.... remember him???.... what beggar you talking about????.... gawd!!!!.... atleast the fotos????.... i have no idea what your talking about!!!!!...... buzz off.... i need to get something to eat!!!!..... "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!........"...........