Monday, December 29, 2008

My Last One...

ah.... this might well be my last post... (no i'm not gonna die you idiots!!!.... i'm talking about my last post this year!!!...)....
sigh.... i'm so happy to get rid of one of the most screwed up years of my life!!!!....
GOOD RIDDANCE 2008!!!!!!
and HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!!!!.....

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy B'day!!!!!!!!!



our car is one year olddddd!!!!!!...... happy b'dayyyyyyyyyy girl!!!!!!!!!!!...... and that's her in the pic btw.... :D

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

wow!!!.... i truly know how to celebrate my birthdays in style!!!!... ha!!... i went to sleep at 11 yesterday!!!... i wasn't even awake when it was midnight!!!!....
then i was woken up by prash's call at half past midnight.... and then a call from swatz (prashz girl).... daim!!... she reminded me of the horrific truth.... i'm 21!!!!!!.... I AM OLDDDDD!!!!!!..... my days of youth are gone.... sigh.... anyways after her call, i couldn't sleep anymore.... i spent the entire night listening to Bob Dylan (bet that guy's life was just as screwed up as mine!!!)....
and now today... my mom and sis decided to surprise me!!!... they got me this huge cake.... (lee!! wtf is wrong with us man???.... remember how we were talking about the cakes and gifts and surprises the other night at Wang's??? this incarnation shit is driving me crazy!!!... lol!!)... ah... the size of the cake reminds me of how old i've become.... bah... i'm yet to cut the daim cake.... won't call it my worst (duh.. in ma 1st year, i spent half my b'day in a train!!!), but it's certainly the most dullest b'day i've ever had.... wish i still had the same people i had in my life on ma last b'day.... sigh.... :(.... ah... on the brighter side... atleast from today i can proudly flash my ID while entering pubs and discos!!!!... i'm 21 biatchhhh!!!!!..... it's all legal!!!!!.....

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My All-Time Fav Movie Dialogues

"The first time someone calls you a horse you punch him on the nose, the second time someone calls you a horse you call him a jerk but the third time someone calls you a horse, well then perhaps it's time to go shopping for a saddle" - Lucky Number Slevin

"I'll sue your ass so hard, you'll have to take a loan to piss!!" - Wild Hogs

i'm walkin away

i'm walking away from the troubles in my life
i'm walking away oh to find a better day
i'm walking away from the troubles in my life
i'm walking away oh to find a better day
i'm walking away

sometimes some people get me wrong
when it's something i've said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run
but now i truly realise
some people don't wanna compromise
well i saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well i don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, i'm sorry to say lady

i'm walking away from the troubles in my life
i'm walking away oh to find a better day
i'm walking away from the troubles in my life
i'm walking away oh to find a better day
i'm walking away

well i'm so tired baby
things you say you're driving me away
whispers in the powder room baby
don't listen to the games they play
girl i thought you'd realise
i'm not like them other guys
coz i saw them with my own eyes
you should've been more wise
and well i don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, i'm sorry to say lady

i'm walking away from the troubles in my life
i'm walking away oh to find a better day
i'm walking away from the troubles in my life
i'm walking away oh to find a better day
i'm walking away

(lyrics, again(!!), illegally stolen from Craig David's I'm Walking Away)

BANG BANG!!!!

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, i hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down


(lyrics illegally stolen from Nancy Sinatra's Bang Bang)

Please Note

the internet.... such an exciting place to be in.... it's become such an integral part of people's lives, that if i don't log in for like five days at a stretch, people start wondering whether i've passed away (read dead)!!!!.... duh!... people!!!.... this is just to clarify... if in case i actually pass away sometime now, my secretary will definitely be announcing it to all of you... (and yes!!.. i do have a secretary!!....).... so please stop asking me questions like "dude... you alive???" or "dude... where tha heck have you been???" if you don't see me online for a few days!!!!.....

A Big Thank You

now that i'm back home, i guess i'm in a much more safer situation..... therefore, on this occasion, i'd like to thank all those who helped me get out of my worst financial crisis.... by "those", i meant JJ, nandu, aunty lee for the financial support, uncle MPV for the political support, and ranjo for the emotional support.... thanks guys.... i owe you guys some....

A Legend Is Born.....

18th december!!!!.... whose birthday is it???.... stone cold steve austin!!!... brad pitt!!!!!.... noooo!!!... steven spielberg!!!!.... christina aguilera!!!!.... katie holmes!!!!!.... rob van dam!!!!... betty grable!!!!... NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!........ hell it's my b'day!!!!.... what the..... does that mean...???.... nooooo.... i'm a year older!!!!..... i'm growin so friggin' olllldddddddd....... i'm inching closer and closer to my grave..... i hate birthdays!!!!.... they're so fake!!!!.... atleast ten years back, i used to feel happy when people wished me on my b'day.... but these days.... people remember your b'day only if they see the reminder on orkut or facebook!!!.... no one even remembers each others' b'days!!!!..... crap!!!... i always hated this fake world!!!!.... anyways.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!.........

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

SOS

gah.... i've been goin thru the one of the worst crises in my life, in the past few days....
i jus lost 7500bux last week!!!!.... and i'm tryin to make up for it without even telling my parents!!!.... gosh!!!... what would i have done if i didn't have such wonderful uncles!!!!.... :D....

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Where Is India Going?????

post 2007, india has definitely started seen some "bold n revolutionary" changes....
finally, there's a cricket tournament that's got hot cheerleaders (thanks to a guy who thinks he's much more smarter than he actually is, and a very adventurous liquor baron)...
then there were the occasional "bold" bolly flicks...
the country's top news mags go on and on wid never ending surveys (tryin to establish that the new age india is fine with adultry, incest, homosexuality, porn and sex toys)....
mallu heroines are crossing borders and creating waves in other 'woods'....
then there's a tyrant female politician who claims she's india's next obama!!....
india finally gets some 'real kickass' terrorists....
the indian cricket team finally starts winning games...
indian women getting voted among the world's sexiest celebs...
india finally gets into an F1 circuit (even though it never managed to get out of it in a single piece!)....
india lands on the moon...
Whyte 'n Mackay becomes indian...
the richest guy in the world is indian....

way to go india!!!!.... ha!

The Train Journey

if you're ever interested in getting a glimpse of the rural life (in its worst form) in india, be sure to go on a long train journey....
my experience with train journeys is as frequent as atleast once a month, as i have to keep jumping between kerala and tamilnadu.... nothing particular can be said about the kerala leg of the journey.... decent people, decent food, clean people, 'womanly' females....
but once you cross the border and enter the forbidden kingdom aka tamilnadu, you're in for a big treat!!!.... from stinking vendors to women who look like they had a recent sex change, the list of horrors is endless... there are the wannabe youths who move around in extremely tight tees and carry bling bling fones, then the irritatingly ugly black kids, who keep digging their noses... and of course the eunuchs aka the chakkas aka the 'ombadhu' (tamil for '9') who won't leave unless you throw a ten buck note at them or they simply 'flash'.... and the uncles who love to take off their pants and change into lungis....

by the time you're done with the entire show, you're already half crazy!!!... and the best part is i always travel alone and so i end up getting a picture of everything in detail!! the only other alternative to these screwed up train journeys is taking an airbus, which by the way is extremely comfortable.... i had to stop travelling by these buses few months back, after i got this stupid nightmare in which i get stranded in an isolated place... (it did happen to scare the shit out of me btw!)... ah that's another long story....

Friday, December 5, 2008

My New Motto....

hey i've created this new motto fer myself.... check it out!!...

FORGET NOTHING
FORGIVE NOBODY
SCREW EVERYBODY

(don't blame me if it sounds a bit like Jason Bourne's motto!!!.... our lives are pretty much equally screwed!!!... only thing is i remember things a little too well!!!.... lol!!!)

This Is My December....

ah... it's december! my favorite month of the year!!!.... because it's the last month of the year, and we get done with the screwed up year with this month...
the time of the year, when the average temperature of chennai manages to come down to the otherwise normal average summer temperature in other places!!!...
it's the month of occurence of my favorite festival, Christmas!!!!!.... (bah.... i don't know why it's still my favorite festival! xmas in india is no fun!!...)
anyways.... hope atleast december brings me some good luck.... i've been having some 'reeeeeeeeealy good luck' this year!!!
so.... welcome december!!!!....

Monday, November 24, 2008

Tony Hawk! Are You Listening????

as a kid (ha! "as a kid".... makes me sound like i'm 60 nw!) when i was in the 5th grade, i'd always wished i could go skateboarding.... i used to love the sport a lot.... but my parents hated it, because it was too "extreme"!!!! (my parents used to think everything i wanted to do was extreme!! mountain climbing, bike riding (the mountain bike.... and not the motorbike!!!.... i still don't know how to ride a motorbike!!!.... lol!), rock climbing, playing with sri lankan kids... everything extreme.... only cricket and basketball were approved).... after months of persuasion, my parents finally obliged to get me a skateboard.... that was one of the happiest days of my life!!!... my biggest dream (at that time) was finally going to get fulfilled!!... but then.... the next day (the day whose evening we were planning to get my board), my pretty close friend at that time comes to my place with a cast around his arm.... the reason fer his cast- he'd fallen from his skateboard!!!... (don't ask me who dis friend was!!!.... i don't want to mention his name... the only clue i can give you (if you're from ism, that is) is that he had unusually crooked legs and used to play football)..... ah! perfect timing! there couldn't be a better time for this guy to break his godamn hand!!!.... and that day..... my dad decided that the word 'skateboard' should be a forbidden word in the household.... and so it was!!!.... and now.... ten years later.... the burning desire in me to go skateboarding has once again come alive.... only problem is i'm wondering whether it's too late.................................................

My Very Special Roomie

few months back, my two roomies had to move out of the place we were staying in.... so i was left to search fer a new roomie... since i didn't have any friends who wanted to move in, i had to wait for my landlord to bring another tenant to share my place....
finally, few days later, he did bring one...
the guy was particularly fair... or white rather.... pale white.... so white that i could count all the blood vessels in his body (although i didn't want to do that! just wanted to give you an idea of how fair he was)... after bringing him, the landlord took me outside the building and whispered into my ears "he's a jumpie!!.... be veeeeery carefullllllll!!!!"....
i wondered what a jumpie was... now, this guy being a tamil, his accent was terrible... and so i knew he would have meant something else, but couldn't think of anything that sounded like 'jumpie'... anyways, i went in to meet my new roomie.... he was sitting in a corner in his room and was staring at the wall... when i opened his door, he gave a sudden start.... the way he looked at me gave me the creeps.... his eyes were bloodshot and droopy.... and he kept twitching his nose as if trying to smell something.... i decided to ignore all that, and i walked over to him, extended my hand and gave him a typical tamil intro....
"myself randeep saar! student.... sathyabama callege (tamils pronounce "college" with an 'a' instead of the 'o').... you happy here???... very nice area saar... food no problem.... very nice dosa place five minute walk saar...." there was no response... but i did manage to hear a faint grunt.... 'what a weirdo', i thought to myself and went to my room.... the whole day, there was not a single sound from the guy's room.... at night, i heard a loud noise that made me think he'd tripped and fallen.... i ran to his room.... the window in his room was open.... he'd jumped out of the window!!!!..... 'oh my gawd!!!... this guy is a daim weird ass!!'.... there was an entire door through which he could walk any time he wanted, and here he was, jumping out of the window!!!.... jumping.... jumping.... JUMPING!!!!.... the word stuck to my mind.... so this was why the landlord called him a jumpie!!!!.... he jumped out of windows, so he's a jumpie!!... why didn't it occur to me earlier?!!!... maybe it's because i'd never heard of the word before!!... i turned to go to my room... but there was something strange.... the room felt terribly hot.... 'oh my god!!!!' the idiot had painted the walls black!!!!... now this guy was getting scary more than strange!!!... i ran to my room and somehow put myself off to sleep.... the next day, before going to college, i checked on the guy whether he'd returned... he was there.... still staring at the wall... i didn't say anything... i left for college....

the day was tiring.... when i got back home, the guy was still there.... i was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.... i changed and went over to his room... i was determined to acquaint with this guy.... the door to his room creaked open.... "hey you wanna go for a walk???", i asked him.... still, there was only the faint grunt.... there was a strong stench in his room... something like raw flesh.... i thought he was going to cook..... i went over to my friends' place.... i returned a bit late.... when i got back, he wasn't there.... and again, he'd used the window.... i switched on the light.... i decided to take a look around his room.... there was nothing particularly worth mentioning... but then, something caught my eye.... there was a huge clump of bones in a corner of the room..... i had to cover my mouth to stop myself from screaming!!! now i was determined to find out what this guy was up to.... i went to my room and unwound my webcam.... i connected the cam to my comp and put it in record mode.... i mounted the cam in a spot in his room where he wouldn't notice it.....

in the morning, i checked my comp to see whether i'd got anything interesting.... the guy had not yet returned.... i left for college....

when i returned, the first thing i did was run to my comp and check whether i'd got anything interesting.... what my cam had recorded was no where near interesting!!!!.... it was horrific!!!!.... i could see my roomie jumping in through the window.... but along with him he dragged a body.... a human body.... the head had been severed from the body.... there was blood all over my roomie's body.... then he chopped the body into small pieces.... and then he began cooking them.... this was too much fer me to take.... i almost fainted when i heard tapping on my door.... it wasn't even a knock.... just a constant faint tapping.... i turned off the monitor and opened the door.... my roomie was there.... he held out a plate... on the plate was some cooked meat.... smelt good.... "for you", the man grunted.... i took the plate.... and he walked away... "thanks sir!!!", i shouted behind him..... he didn't even turn around.... i closed the door and sat on my bed.... suddenly something struck me!!!!.... jumpie!!!!.... my landlord wasn't saying 'jumpie'!!!!!.... he'd meant ZOMBIE!!!!!.....

i suddenly had great respect for my roomie.... i took out a fork, and put a small piece of the meat in my mouth...... hmmmmmmmm...... human flesh tasted goooooooood after all!!!!!!!........

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rain Rain Go Away...

bah.... rainy days.... i hate them.... everything's so quite.....
there's no one on the streets.... it's only water water everywhere.....
rainy days are the days i open up my mind and start thinking about things that upset me....
that's why i hate them the most.....
gah.... i just hate these days.... i just wanna get ouda here......

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Now That's Whack!!!!....

there was this one guy in my class in the 7th grade who was a total whacko....
he'd do the weirdest things that'd even put a psycho to shame!!!...
once during math class, this guy picks up a brand new tube of whitener and meddles with it for a long time and finally manages to break it open..... the white fluid covers up his entire two arms....
seeing what this guy was up to, our math sir makes him stand up and asks him "have you lost your marbles???".... to which the guy replies "no sir!!!!.... i din bring any marbles to school!!!!"......

if you din't understand the joke, go kill yourself!!!!.... and this is a true incident by the way!!!!.....

World Cup!!!!.... Pizza Anyone????

this was way back in my 7th grade when the cricket world cup '99 was on....
Pizza Hut had come up with a brainwave (like duh!).....
to keep up with the festive season, they introduced a special hotline number on which people could call them up and get the live score, who's batting, bowling blah blah... what i don't understand is why they did that!!!!.... especially in a country so full of indians!!!!.... (yeah... muscat is pretty crowded with indians!!!!).....
being the typical indian type when it comes to pranks, i made maximum use of the number.... even though the match was playing in front of me on my television!!!!... i kept calling them up after every one or two overs.... so it'd go like this...
Pizza Hut Employee: good evening sir!!! how may i help u???
me: hi!!... may i know the score???
PHE: it's 235 for 2 sir.... sachin tendulkar is on strike....
me: oh... hey a run's been scored!!!... it's 236 now!!!!....
PHE: that's right!!!... thanks for calling!!!!.... have a great day!!!...

this would go on till the end of the match... and i bet there were many more indians who'd done that!!!.... what's the point in keeping such hotlines, when every household owns atleast one television??!!!!!.... or did the Pizza Hut guys think that when people called up Pizza Hut to enquire about the score, they'd get reminded about pizzas and automatically ask fer some??!!!!....
whatever it is, i din't hear about the offer during the next world cup.... or maybe i realised i was too old for that kind of stupid prank this time round.... i don't exactly remember....

Bookies' Day Out....

this was once when i happened to take my sis with me book shopping....
now, she's not a really avid reader, even though she's far more intelligent than me.... (gah.... women can be so strange... it has been proved to me by the dumbest of dumb women that they can be shrewd and cunning!!)...
but seeing me pick up couple of books, she also decides to pick one up....
after searching real hard, she finally found "the perfect book"....
only few days later, when she started reading the book did she realise that she'd picked the very very very wrong book!!!!.....
thinking it was some book related to food, she'd picked up "Chicken Soup for the Soul"..... the book was about spirituality and how we can get closer to God or some shitcrap like that!!!....
ha! she'd just proved the phrase "don't judge a book by its cover" in the literal sense!!!....

RJR!!!!!!

Rotten Juvenile Retardo was how a very interestin friend of mine happened to expand RJR.... hmmmm.......

C4

C-4 Vignesh Apartments
South Mada Street
Thiruvanmiyur
Chennai

a very familiar address!!!.... my home away from home....
even though i wasn't an official tenant of C4, i've spent 75% of my time at this place....
a place where many "great" people have come, stayed and gone...
Venky, Shankar, Anuj, Sriram, Shyam, Amitabh, Pulsar, Tilak, Nagarajan, Nikhil, Sudhan.... jeez!!!... i don't even have count of the number of people who've stayed here!!!....
Venky (now infamous for the Pissgate incident), the guy whom, when i first met, i thought was a wee bit unfriendly.... little did i realise that he'd go on to become my mentor and role model (ha!)...
Shankar, my pal with very serious attention disorder when it comes to one-on-one conversations....
Anuj, a champion faker, can't be bothered much....
Sriram, my FIFA pal.... even if i thrash this guy 8-0, he'll still maintain that he's champ!!!....
about the others, hmmmmm.... guess i'll describe them some other time....
it was fun hanging out with you guys....
you guys made college life a little more fun!!!!!.....

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

catchy tees

the indian woman's dressing sense.... truly something that needs looking into!! (no pun intended)....
the tees that they wear these days!!!... they can hardly breathe in them!!... almost gives you the feeling that the poor woman couldn't afford the next size!!!...
and if that weren't enough, it's the prints on the shirts that need the standing ovation... these prints simply scream "i'm a wannabe!!!".... some of the 'catchy lines' include "i'm hot n single", "i'm cool n hav an attitude", blah blah....
and if this didn't look raunchy enough, it's the strategical positioning of these phrases... (i'd rather not go into the details about the positioning!)... n more often than not... the writings are of such minute sizes, that you hafta screw your eyes to try and read what's written.... and when you do that in a public place, you end up looking miles away from decent!!!... and then you have to face all the scorns and stares from all the people around you... and then the female (wearing the shirt) gives you a stare equivalent to 'u cheeky !@$$%#^!@$@^! for the past 4mins you've been staring at my shirt!!!.... i'm gonna take you to court for this!'.....
now whose to blame for all this????????

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Walk That Went Wrong

ha! i was debating with myself whether i should name this post "the walk that went TERRIBLY wrong"!!!!!..... anyways i decided that then the title would be too long, and you people'd fall asleep before you even start reading the post!!!... k... enough for the intro!!!....
this was way back in third year.... when i was staying in thiruvanmiyur in chennai.... in the house whose landlord had committed suicide..... it was holiday time.... since my roomies had gone home, i was alone in the house.... (with the owner too.... i said i was alone, 'cos firstly, i don't count that guy as a human being... of course he's not a human being now... he's dead!!!!.... but even before he died, i'd never counted him as one!!!... and the second reason is 'cos i didn't want to say i was alone with the owner 'cos then, you weird people'd start using your weird brains and start coming up with weird ideas... maybe something on the homosexual side!!!... :p).... anyways.... the basic idea is that i was alone at that time and i called my friend ajo over for company.... (the good thing about ajo is that, after me, he's the second most jobless guy around!).... and whenever i meet this guy, superchargers are always present.... and that night too there was supercharging.... now, my house at that time was just in front of the beach... so all you had to do was get out of my building, walk around it to the back.... (oh and don't forget to watch out for the birds above you on the trees!!!!.... they're beautiful to look at... and even more beautiful when they shit on your head!!!.... VG'd got bird shit on her frankie once.... and she accidentally took a bite of it too!!!!..... belch!!!....)... yeah you walk to the back and bingo! you're at the beach!!!!.... so late night, after getting "whizzed", we decided it was time to hit the beach.... (now before you read on.... a word of caution.... i'm terrible with directions.... when i shift houses, i usually take more than a week to figure out the directions to my house....)..... the beach was cool... nice breeze.... it was around half past three by then.... suddenly the bulb above my head brightens and i come up with a brilliant idea.... i suggested we should go to the malbari tea shop and have a lime juice!!!.... now the malbari tea shop is right next to my friend's place, which is a 10min walk away if you take the main road.... my second brilliant suggestion was that we should walk along the beach.... and so it was.... we started walking.... we walked.... and we walked.... and we kept walking.... we saw a lot of things on our way.... fishermen pulling their boats in.... guys shitting on the beach and washing their derriers in the water (in which, the next day, people happily go and wet their feet!!!!....).... we tried to look around for turtles but didn't find any.... we kept walking.... the last thing we saw was a Barista cafe.... now... i didn't remember any Barista cafes in thiruvanmiyur!!!!..... i tried to think harder.... and then i saw the familiar long stretch of the parking lot.... and then!!!!.... then it struck me!!!!.... we'd reached Besant Nagar!!!!.... i looked at my watch... we'd been walking fer the past one n a half hr!!!!.... all i said to ajo was "dude i think we passed the juice shop... and now i think we're in Besant Nagar".... and all he could afford to say was "WHAT THA !@#$????!!!!!!"..... since it was early in the morning, there was no transport on the road yet.... we had no choice but to walk back all the way back to my house!!!!.... i don't even remember whether i woke up the next day!!!!!....

Piece Of Advice..... (From The Master Himself!!!!)

if your life is totally screwed up and you feel like getting a gun and killing yourself..... and then you suddenly see a light at the end of the tunnel.... don't start jumping with joy yet!!!....
look carefully.... that light is just an illusion!!!!.... even after looking closely, if you're confident that the light still exists, then ma friend (as Abraham used to say!), that light, is a light to the entrance of the next tunnel....
so instead of wasting your time, why don't you go gun shopping instead?????????........

Saturday, November 15, 2008

End Of Days......

it's 1999..... the much hyped about 'end of the millennium' was finally here!!!....
everyone's talking about the end of the world.... how weird!!!....
is the world just gonna melt down???.... or blow up or something???.... how stupid can these people get???....
if in case the Guy above actually decided to blow up the earth, then at which time zone's midnight would he choose to do it???.... hmmmm.... perhaps America's!!!!.... or maybe Dubai!!!!.... people think the universe goes around these two places!!!!....
i start the engine of my car and start driving towards the amphitheatre where my show was due in a few hours...
at 42, i'd not done much in life, of which i could really be proud.... a business that managed to barely last for a meagre three years, a consequent failed marriage.... i'd lost a lot in life.... all i have now with me were my three good friends from college days... they're also more or less in the same life situation as mine....
three years back, we managed to form a rock band... we did pretty well in the beginning... preforming at local gigs, we even managed to release an album.... but then, all that didn't last for long.... after all, in this age of discos and punk rock, who'd even bother to listen to a bunch of oldies doing something so not their age!!!....
as these thoughts ran through my mind, i finally reached the arena... the show was to start in two hours, at two hours to midnight....
since we were putting up a free show, the turnout was good... the arena was almost full....
Sid, Mike and Pete were already there....
at sharp 10, we started the show... it went pretty well....
at 5mins to midnite, we started playing our fav number....
by the last minute, the countdown for the new millennium began...
5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... and then.... something real strange happened... people started collapsing one by one....
the numbers were increasing rapidly.... i looked at my friends.... even they're down.... it's almost like as if a poisonous gas had engulfed the entire area... my arms were getting numb.... my brain's freezing.... i couldn't move... even i dropped to the ground....
no wait a minute.... i wasn't dropping like the others.... i still have energy in me.... i ran over to check on my friends.... no pulse... all of them dead.... i couldn't stand the horror..... i ran to my car and started fer home.... as i drove through the streets, i noticed more and more dead bodies....
there's not a single living soul on the streets... there's no one left alive except for me!!!!..
'Why me Lord????.... take me too!!!.... i wanna friggin' die!!!!'.....
i ran home and switched on the television.... all blank.... there's no sign of life anywhere.... my head started spinning.... i ran to my room and took a shot of cocaine... i started sweating heavily....
i walked over to my gun cabinet and took out my gun.... BANG!!!.... i blew a bullet into my brains....
finally!!!!.... i collapsed onto the floor.... i lay there with my eyes open... i lay for sometime....
i could still see around my room.... how long was i gonna take to die????....
i put my hand to my head where i'd shot myself.... unbelievable!!!!.... my head was intact and there was not a sign of even a small drop of blood.... i picked up the gun and shot myself again.... twice at the chest and once at my stomach.... the result was still the same.... there was not even a sign of a single bullet wound.... i threw the gun in despair....
i didn't know what to do.... i was not only the last person on the earth, i was also immortal!!!!....
i knelt down, put my hands to my face and wept like a cannibal................

Blank....

i've got this supernatural ability that i've kept secret from everyone....
i have this ability to go blank.... it's not an ability that's under my control....
my brain sometimes just decides it needs to sleep... and booom!!... it switches off....
i've no control whatsoever over this....
it has happened when people talk to me.... it has happened when i'm at an examination.... it can just happen at anytime....
sometimes people talk to me and i look as attentive as attentive can be.... with all the serious expression and stuff on my face.... but at the end of it all, i wont be able to recollect a word the person said!!!....
there have been exams for which i'd prepared so well that my confidence crosses alarming levels... but the instant the question paper arrives, my brain doesn't even know whether it's dead or alive!!!.... i wont even be able to recollect the names of the chapters in the subject!!!!....
no.... i'm not having some extraordinary attention disorder or something.... everybody gets distracted once in a while.... even i do...
but in this case, i'm totally blank.... if i close my eyes at that time, i see white space....

bah.... how i wish i hadn't prayed for a supernatural ability when i was a kid.... can't blame me though!!!... i'd never expected that 'going blank' was also classified under supernatural abilities!!!!....

Wanna Go Back....

i really wish i could go back in time....
there're so many things that i've done, which i now feel i shouldn't have done....
there're so many people i've met, whom i keep wishing i'd never met....
life would have been so perfect if we could go back and erase parts that we don't like...
hmmm... perhaps if everyone had that power, we would really have a tough time!!!!!...
like for instance, you meet some guy today, and then a month later, or worse still, a year later the person calls you up and says that he's gonna delete you from his record.... now if you were really involved with the person, there'd be quite a lot to delete on your side....
there're times when in between two individuals, one person gets attached to the other person more than how much the other person is in return.... in that case, things get really screwed...
then you end up thinking and acting like a maniac.... you have no idea what you wanna do or where your life is headed.... all u want to do is maybe just hate everyone.... you gain pleasure from solitude.... there're no emotions within you.... you become somewhat like a dead guy.... a vegetable.... the world revolves around you.... you see people speaking... but your ear hears only noise.... you start wishing you were lost on an island.... an island with no one except for you.... your head starts spinning.... suddenly you find yourself stuck in a whirlpool.... your entire body starts spinning.... your head starts splitting.... you start vomiting blood.... there's blood all over you.... you feel like as if your gonna die.... but the Creator keeps playing games with you.... he doesn't let you die... but he lets you see hell.... you suddenly wish you could kill yourself... the world is just not a place for you.... you just wanna get out of here.... you don't want to go to the Creator as well.... you wish there was a world in between these worlds.... a real world.... unlike this fake world.... this fake universe.... a world filled with hate.... a world where people laugh at you when you're suffering.... a world where understanding each other has become a tedious task.... you keep wandering for a place to hide.... you start running.... you're in an open desert.... you keep walking and walking.... but you find no shade or a place to rest.... but when you tire and fall to your knees, you're suddenly surrounded by people.... people who jeer and mock at you.... you try to go forward and touch one of these people.... but your hand passes through... these people are not real.... they're just an illusion.... this illusion keeps following you wherever you go.... they torment you throughout your life.... you can never get rid of them.... even at death they won't leave you alone.... they wait till you're torn to shreds by the waiting scavengers.... then suddenly amidst all the chaos, you hear a familiar voice.... you turn back and see your friend waiting for you with an extended arm.... you crawl towards your friend.... all you can think about now is how this wonderful friend has come to rescue you, even though all the others disowned you.... this friend becomes your only shimmer of hope.... you keep crawling towards your friend.... as you approach him, you suddenly see wires full of thorns wrapped around his hands.... for a minute you try to figure out what that meant.... but then when you look closer, you find out that what was wrapped around his hand was in fact a garland of flowers and not thorns as you'd imagined.... you curse yourself for doubting your friend, even though it wasn't intentional.... as you inch closer towards your friend, you keep wishing secretly that he wouldn't turn out to be an illusion as the previous people.... you reach your friend.... your friend extends his arm... he lifts you up.... you can feel him.... you feel much stronger.... with his support you can walk again.... having finally found a person you can actually trust, you start rejoicing.... suddenly, as you walk, you start noticing scavengers making their way towards you.... but in the company of your friend, you have a newfound courage.... you feel you can face them.... but then, you look towards your side where your friend had been.... he's suddenly disappeared.... he's nowhere beside you.... you take a look back.... there's your friend.... he's no longer got the calm look on his face.... he reminds you of a hungry wild beast now.... and he's got a dagger raised to a stabbing position.... before you can say anything he brings it down on your chest.... full eight inches inside your chest.... your eyes pop out.... you lie on the ground.... your heart has been punctured.... your body lies limp and cold.... for a last few seconds you lie there looking blankly up at the sky.... the friend whom you'd loved and trusted had just betrayed you.... you wish you'd never known such a cold and calculating person.... a person who likes to nibble you off your back.... as you lie on the ground, you feel your legs getting torn apart.... the pain is unbearable..... but you don't want to look in that direction.... all you want to do now is to just get over with it.... your body becomes frozen.... your brain is numb.... a cold wind blows over you and brings death into your nostrils.............

World's Shortest Breakup Letter

found a new girl and wondering what to tell your old girl???.... here's the easiest and ink-saving letter you can give your old garbage... ahem... your old girl....

"hey... remember how we had just a piece of rubber between us so far????.... now i got a girl between us... and her behind is facing you.... bye... don't keep in touch"....

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Name Is Bravia.... Sony Bravia....

i'm a television...
i was born in japan last year... my name is sony bravia.... i had over a thousand twin sisters and brothers.... and the funny thing is all of them had the same name.... i was 42inches at birth....
it was there that i first fell in love.... a really hot chick.... she was a petite 38inches....
as fate would have it, even her name was sony bravia!!!!... (i wondered if our parents were so unimaginative as to name all the kids the same!!!)
i'd totally fallen for her awesome curves.... we would meet every night after the lights were out and make love.... i was determined to make as many kids as possible and use my common sense and name all of them differently...
but before i could fulfill my desire, i had to breakup with my gurl... i was getting a transfer to some place called Muscat... i wondered what life would be like there...
finally the day came... i gave my girl a hug, bid my final farewell and joined my friends on a ship....
several days and sea-sickness bouts later, i finally landed in Muscat...
Gawd!!!.... the place was so friggin' hot!!!!... i almost felt like as if i were in some manufacturing plant!!!....
and the people who carried me around.... the way they spoke sounded like as if they had something stuck up their throats!!!....
i was feeling homesick... i desperately wanted to get back to Japan... i finally made it to a place called a showroom... oooooooooh.... the place was amazing!!!..... fully air-conditioned...
ah! this was life!!!....
i wondered how my girl was doing back in Japan.... i felt the urge to hook up with a girl....but it was getting really difficult... the place was heavily guarded by surveillance cams.... the last thing i wanted was to see my own sex video on the net!!!...
next day onwards, life got really busy fer me.... all kinds of people came to check me out.... arabs, brits, americans, pakis, indians.....
crazy!!!!....
finally an indian family bought me!!... after the amount of bargaining they did, i felt so cheap and insulted... i felt i could do better if i sold myself on the streets!!!!...
at home, they had another old tv.... it looked somewhat like grandma...
i've never seen grandma before but i've seen her pics... she also used to have a big butt just like this one...
they hung me on a wall in the sitting room.... from there i got a pretty good view of the entire place... for the first few days, everything was good.... the three of them, dad, mom and son used to watch me in the nights...
a week later, the parents had to go out of station for a week... and that's when my adventures began...
on the first day, the son brought something called a playstation and plugged a hell lot of wires into my ass... my ass has bin sore ever since....
the next day, he brought some friends over and they brought couple of DVDs.... i felt really embarrassed when i played them.... they were all x-rated.... i felt really ashamed of myself.... i'd never dun such a thing before and i was bringing a bad name onto our family....
that evening, he brought his girlfriend home and they watched a movie.... one thing led to another, and they started making out in front of me.... i tried to make sum noise to remind them that i was there... but nothing worked....
all this went on for a week till the parents got back.... i was greatly relieved to see them!!!!....
the next day after they got back, there was a terrorist attack in the area....
four gunmen stormed into the house and shot the mom, dad and son....
all three of them lay dead in front of me....
i couldn't believe my eyes....
i was about to burst out in tears when..... WAIT A MINUTE!!!!.... i just realized something!!!!.... all this while in my life, i'd always thought that i was the most jobless guy on earth!!!!.... but then, now i've realized that there are people who are so jobless that they go to the extent of taking time out to sit and read the life story of a stupid television!!!!!!!!...................

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The President

height of racial discrimination..... a black President in the White House....
it would have been real funny if this guy gets sick of sitting in a WHITE House and decides he's had enough and changes the name to the Black House!!!!.... haha!!!....
during the election rally, Obama was addressing a house of Indians.... no, not the native Indians.... i'm talking about our very own INDIANS.... and Obama gives this inspirational speech about the "change we need" and all the blah blah (wudeva!.... like as if Bush wern't a big change enough!).... and towards the end this guy says "i'm the brown, skinny guy with a funny last name"...... and the entire crowd raised their hands and said "so are we!!!!".......

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

First Month Anniversary!!!!!!....

damn!! it's been more than a month since i started this blog!!!!.... and as usual i missed out on the anniversary date!!!....
ha! VG used to think it was very rude of me to keep forgetting on the 17th of every month....
sheeeeesh!!!!..... what is with these anniversaries??? why the heck should we make such a big deal out of them???....
how does it help to know that its been so-n-so number of months since you've started doing something???....
i wonder if people who go to jail celebrate anniversaries!!!....
ha!!... you never know!!.... in my hometown, there's this strange custom wherein relatives of a deceased treat the entire town to lunch on the occasion of the dead guy's death anniversary!!!...
there's this guy frm my college (a senior who joined as a junior... that was how i described him to kameshwari!!!... lol!!!... even she found it funny!!!!... hmmm.... but she always found me funny.... even if i told her something serious, she'd think i was joking!!!!.... oh btw.... kameshwari's my math tuts teacher back in high school!!!...)....
this guy used to (i'm saying 'used to' 'cos i don't know for how long he did it or whether he's still doing it!) keep a count of the number of days it'd been since he'd spoken to his girl who'd dumped him!!!....
now talk about being a sensitive guy!!!.... (VG thought that was terribly sweet of him and would have loved to sympathize with him if it wern't for his loud mouth!)....

yeah.... i guess that's it about anniversaries!!!!.... :P

Isn't BLING BLING Ever Gonna Go Out-of-fashion???

why do all rappers necessarily have to be thugs and ex-convicts????.....
what sense does it make when a guy sings about the number of times he's been to prison???.... or the number of sluts he's got with him???.... or the number of cadillacs he owns???....
why cant there ever be a rapper who's not served a term, has never been with a prostitute, only owns maybe a toyota or a mazda, doesn't beat up his wife and his wife doesn't commit adultery???...
and these gurls on these rappers' music videos.... mannnn.... can gurls get ever more raunchy and desperate????!!!!!....
all the rapper has to say is "bitch/hoe, shake dat ass fer me", and these females are more dan happy to wiggle their booty!!!!.... (if i called my gurl a bitch, she mite whack me across the face!!!!.... (sheeeeesh!!!!.... these indian gurls!!!!...))

at the end of it all, all we can hope for is a new era of 'clean' rappers, before people start realising that what they've been listening to so far was total garbage, and decide to rechristen the genre as CRAP MUSIC!!!!!.....

The Perfect Roomie

another significant change in me after i moved to india is my ever increasing bad luck with my accommodation... i was forced to vacate three out of the four places that i stayed in, in the past 3 and a half yrs!!!!...
the first place being my college hostel... in my first year of college, there was this huge student protest... every day, a building of the student's choice was set on fire!!!... finally when our hostel's turn arrived, and the damage was getting out of control, the 'authorities' decided it was time to kick our asses out of the hostel....
after almost a month of searching, my roomie and me managed to find a crap place to park our asses... after a year's stay at the place, our landlord walks in one fine day and breaks one of our taps (don't even ask how it all happened!!!), screams at me and asked us to get out.... we din't get out!!!... :D.... the next time we went home and got back after a month, our place was totally brought down and there was a new apartment in its place!!!... now we had to move out!!!....
after staying in our next apartment for more than half a year, we had to again move out when our landlord committed suicide!!!!.... gah!!!....
after that, we managed to stay at our next place till we had to move out when we actually had to move out of the city.... although there were signs of us getting thrown out as neighbours complained of supercharger bottles lying on the terrace and my "sister" visiting my place too often!!!....

but my luck with houses wasn't always so bad, considering the fact that my family stayed in the same apartment for 10 whole years in muscat!!!!!.....

Sunday, November 2, 2008

DON - Still Being Chased

it was one of those weekends when ajo and me were totally jobless... we're always jobless!!!...
whenever the rest of the gang is not there, all we do is sit at some place, maybe get an ice cream and imagine weird stuff!!!...
this one is particularly worth mentioning...
we imagined ourselves to be the next Dons of Chennai...
we wanted it to be somewhat like a mixture of Don Corleone's attitude and Billa's style.... hmmmm... now that's whack!!!!... we would go around in a black coloured Scorpio (India's most stylish SUV, according to me) with two black Scorpios on either side of our Scorpio...
we would smoke only the best Cuban cigars... there would be loads of Russian girls at our disposal... as we walk on the streets, our sidekicks would carry disc players with loudspeakers and would walk along with us... the disc players would be continuously playing Billa theme music...
and then one day, while walkin on the streets, a sniper from our rival gangster organisation would shoot us down... (k... this wasn't part of the original plan... i jus wanted to give this post a happy ending!!!....)

murder!!!!!

ha!!!!... the closest i've ever got to a murder!!!!..... (i was not involved though!)
a week back a guy got brutally murdered in front of my apartment block...
it was a very calm evening with a cool breeze...
i was standing on the balcony of my sixth floor apartment....
suddenly there was a small fight picking up in the parking lot...
Ah! it was the gangster family from the tenth floor again!!... they were fighting with some gangster friend of theirs...
soon they began beating the shit out of each other.... then my gangster neighbour picked up a beer bottle and whacked his friend's head with it....
CRASHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
the bottle shattered and so did the guy's head!!...
there was blood all over and the guy dropped to the ground ...
DEAD!!!...
all this set my pulse racing... it was my first murder experience!!!....

Thursday, October 30, 2008

How To Make A Hit Bollywood Movie....

this post is solely for all budding Bollywood actors....
please skip this post if your not an aspiring bollywood actor.... (even if you're an aspiring actor in any other film industry....)
k... here goes....
the first thing you need to do is shave your chest...
there shouldn't be a single strand of hair on your chest...
tone your abs... slight signs of a six-pack will also do.... but please don't make yourself look like Triple H!!!....
tone your thighs too.... (as showing your thighs in the movie might up your popularity rating...)
make sure your dad is an established director/producer/retired actor....
if your dad isn't one of these, get him to compulsorily produce a movie before you make your debut...
once all this is set, you're ready for your first flop movie!!!...
always remember that your first movie is never gonna be a hit....
if it does turn out to be a hit, then you are a genius!!!!.... and Bollywood's definitely not the place you're supposed to be in!!!...
once you're done with the flop movie, it is time for the ultimate hookup....
ask an established actress out.... considering the fact that you have the ultimate abs, thighs and dad, this shouldn't be much of a problem....
be seen in public places with her....
go to discotheques, clubs, matches with her....
always walk around with your arms around her...
one or two slight pecks on her lips once in a while (when you are in a club preferrably) should do... but please don't overdo it...
by this time, you would have created a huge media hype....
make it bigger by denying any relationship with the actress by saying "we're just good friends"....
that should do....
there'd be scores of female presenters on television, who'd be more than happy to talk about your relationship with the actress on some crap gossip show....
so... by now your popularity level would have risen up considerably....
now is the time for your ultimate hit movie....
beg some director who has made recent movies which did considerably well at the box office....
use you're dad's influence if needed....
once he agrees to cast you, beg him to cast your girlfriend as you're heroine....
once he obliges, you are ready to go....
create a more macho image for your character this time in the movie....
avoid showing too much skin this time round.... let your girl do that part....
once you are done with the shooting, then comes the important part... the release of the movie...
attend as many interviews as possible....
but please be careful... act as uninterested as possible.... don't beg the viewers to watch the movie...
if the media asks you about your pairing up with your girlfriend, just act shy, blush and say "no comments".... please don't say "we're just friends" this time!!!!....
off the record, make it clear to the media that this is your resurrection movie and that you are here to stay....
CONGRATS!!!!.... here's your first hit movie!!!!.... but wait!!!!.... it's not yet time to celebrate.... your not a Bollywood Superstar yet!!!!....
once your done with the movie, and all the hype has come down, start accepting offers for endorsements....
please only accept offers that make you look like a macho man.... don't accept offers for fairness creams, or any other ads that might make you look like a fool....
do two to three movies more.... and please don't cast your girl as the heroine in these movies....
its fine even if they don't do very well at the box office...
meanwhile attend as many charity functions as possible...
donate some of your dad's money if possible...
always remember to be seen only with your girl....
never take your mom or dad out with you!!!....
once your done with all this, now comes the time for your ultimate movie....
this is the movie that's gonna shoot yourself up into stardom....
if this movie doesn't do it for you, then its time for you to leave Bollywood....
before you do this movie, make friends with another actress....
be seen with her in public places once in a while.... don't make it too often....
and please don't kiss her in public...
start having a rough time with your old girlfriend....
go to some award function or any other function (that involves seating in an orderly manner) n sit atleast five rows away from your old girlfriend...
make sure that your new girlfriend is also present at the function... but don't let her sit with you...
during the function, avoid your old girlfriend as much as possible, but chat up with your new one whenever possible...
now, you have created enough hype for your ultimate hit movie...
start shooting for the movie.... before you start, make sure that your old girlfriend is cast as your heroine....
if your confidence levels are not that high, then get an established actor to also act in the movie as your father, or your best friend....
please act well.... give it a good shot....
once your done, create a hype by saying that this was the last movie you and your girl acted while you were together....

that's it!!!!!.... you're done!!!!.... you're a SUPERSTAR now!!!!.... congrats!!!....
oh!!!!.... before i forget!!!!....
my account number is 2445600100.... and i charge $500 for the class....

the KKK....

KKK....
also known as Ku Klux Klan...
i've always been fascinated by this group (although i knew nothing about them)!!!...
the first time i heard about them was when i was in school....
now back in school, i was the very curious type....
so immediately i logged on and searched for them on the net....
their description was a bit too long, so i only took a look at their pictures....



...and came to the conclusion that they were a bunch of ghosts....
that was what i thought till recently i happened to see a feature of them in FHM...
again the description wasn't too helpful....
and then!!!.... i recently saw them in "Harold n Kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay"....
this movie gave me a clear idea about the group...
now i know that the KKK is nothing but a bunch of brainless lunatics.... :D

What If There Were No More Muvies?????

the rate at which movies are being made these days, it almost looks like we don't have many more decades of the cinema to come....
what if there comes a time when all movie makers have tried out all themes and have run out of ideas???....
what would these people do then???...
people would get sick of remakes....

there are two possible things the movie fraternity could do....
one would be to start shows similar to "Next Action Superstar".... only difference being that the people, instead of acting out scenes, would have to write scripts....
maybe they could name the show "Next Sensational Storyteller"....

the second thing that could be done is to form a body known as the International Movie Council (of course... the headquarters would be in Dubai, as is the trend these days!!!)....
the members of this body would constitute all the top notch directors from Hollywood, Bollywood, Tollywood, Xollywood, Zollywood etc etc....
at the beginning of every calendar year, these guys would get together and come up with a total of 50 or so scripts....
and then there would be bidding for each script....
the highest bidders individually from each 'Wood', would be allowed to make a film based on the script in his own respective language....
this way, viewers who watch Hollywood movies, but don't understand a word of it and don't find subtitles too helpful either, can always wait for the film to be released in their own language!!!....
and in this way, all the film industries would have 50 films released in a year....

Based on my conclusions, i expect the world to run out of movies by around 2025....
if i'm not around by then, i hope some actor/director/producer would be reading this blog n making use of my brilliant idea....

Time For Slow Food??????

after moving to india, my life has taken to a lot of changes, for the worse most of the time....
along with being uninteresting, another major change that took place was my change in food habits...
the ever-lovable 'ghar ka khana' had suddenly vanished out of my life....
it was suddenly the invasion of the fast food era for me....
honestly speaking, i love eating out rather than sitting at home over a silent dinner....
but eating out everyday was not exactly the thing i loved....
for the past 3 n a half years that i spent in india, it has been eat-out every single day for me...
the good thing about fast food is that it is fast (of course!) , it doesnt taste healthy! (the rule is healthy food never tastes good) n there are no particular ethics for the way you eat it....
so this was how it was till a few weeks back, when a friend of mine took me to a restaurant for a multipurpose treat (multipurpose because it was his birthday, he'd got a job, he'd got his first pay and he was hitting on a chick from work)....
now... the thing about this place is that as you enter the place itself, the fact that it is a very very formal place hits you right on the face, and it was the kinda place wherein if you let out a very feeble cough just enough to clear your throat and just enough for the person, sitting next to you at your table, to vaguely hear it, the entire restaurant would be frowning and giving you ugly stares!!!...
so God help you, if you happened to sneeze in this place!!!!...
all this din't seem to bother me much...
then the starters arrived....
'Ah!!!.. Beautiful!!!...'....
i dug my fork into the first piece of chicken....
good! so far so good!....
few pieces later, i confidently dug my fork into the next piece....
ZZHOOOOOP!!!!!.....
the piece goes flying out of the plate and lands on the table....
without looking up, i immediately grabbed a piece of tissue and threw it over the fallen piece....
hoping that no one had noticed, i looked up....
DAIM!!!... all four of my friends who were at my table were giving me the frown and the ugly stares....
it was friggin' embarrassing!!!....
i suddenly started feeling hot down my back, and i started blushing!
now i hate it when i blush... it's because i'm a little dark....
so when i blush, instead of turning into the normal red colour, i turn into a very dark maroon colour, which is very horrible to look at....
however, the remaining lunch went uneventful, atleast on my part....
but it was this day that opened my eyes....
i realised that i'm having too much fast food....
perhaps it was time to slow down!!!....
i'd lost the art of going to expensive restaurants, waiting for 30mins for the food to arrive, open a bottle of wine, have a healthy conversation and so on....
i wasn't even man enough to stand up to the challenge of having a formal dinner!!!....
all i can hope now is that my parents don't invite me to a formal dinner before i remaster the art!!!!....
i cant stand to see the stares my mom might give me if i drop a piece of chicken!!!...
and Godddd!!!!... she'll scream when she sees the ugly maroon colour i turn into when i blush!!!!....

Sunday, October 26, 2008

It's Diwaliiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!........

bah.... i hate diwali....
such a noisy festival....
i used to enjoy diwali much more when i was back in Muscat!!!!.... 'cos no idiot was allowed to burst crackers!!!!....
ah crackers..... i just hate them!!!!....
why do people spend so much money on all this shit just to burst them all off??!!!!....
my entire building tenants are down there bursting off their money...
crap!!!... there's my mom and sis too!!!!....
what's with these people???!!!!.....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

IMB

OFFICIAL NAME : ISM Malabari Brotherhood

FORMED IN : Late Summer 2006

MEMBERS
: Abhishek Anand (Ramachandra Medical College)
Thekkedath Ajo Jacob (Madha Engineering College)
Kalady Nandagopal Prathap (Loyola College)
Peter Davis (Loyola College)
Randeep Joseph Roy (Sathyabama University)

PRIMARY OBJECTIVES
: 1> To achieve the perfect way of life
2> To find the ultimate girl (also known as "charak")

DESCRIPTION
:
After spending a year in college, RJ (formerly known as RJR) had lost hope in most of his college friends and set out in search of his old school friends in the same city. Realising that finding friends would be impossible without the help of the internet, he used Orkut as the ultimate friend-finding tool. That was when he hit upon Nandu (formerly known as Nandagopal). Within a few weeks time, RJ met up with the remaining members of the IMB.

These youngsters soon came to realise that they shared similar problems such as problematic roomies (Ajo's!!!!), being surrounded by "backstabbing" friends, lack of good food, lack of funds etc... This inspired the five to be best friends.

But it was not until late summer of 2006, that the group decided it was time for the inevitable... the formation of the IMB.

Once the IMB was formed, Chennai saw a new light dawning on the city. The face of Chennai would never be the same again. IMB was here to take the city by storm. There was no looking back for the five young men. Weekend was the time the IMB usually came together for action. There would be aimless wandering around the city's premiere shopping mall, Spencer Plaza. This mall soon became a second home for the members. Then there was the occasional movie (which usually crashed at the box office) and the night-time crash at RJ's place for "refreshments".

Inspite of all these activities, the primary objective of the IMB was 'charak-hunting'. Soon the motto of the group became "Enjoy life!... when ur broke, depend on Nandu".

Nandu, being the HOD of the charak-hunting department, soon became the official financier of the IMB when funds were alarmingly low.

After more than 18 months of vigorous acivity, the time came for one of the members to split from the group. This happened when Peter had to move out of the city.

Inspite of the split, the remaining four members continued to meetup until late October, when a second member had to move out of the city.

Even though the IMB no longer remains as active as it was in its initial days, the members still resolve to be united and continue to be a source of inspiration for the hopes and dreams of the millions who look up to the IMB.

OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPH:
















My Secret Family

there was this one time when i had to actually tell my dad a secret!!!!....
few months back, i got totally broke.... i hate telling my mom when i'm broke, because at first she gets worried, then she gets pissed, and then she lets me have a piece of her mind.....
so i decided to skip telling my mom and tell my dad instead...
i call him up from chennai and tell him.... and i also tell him to keep it top secret and not to tell ma....
good ol' dad hangs up on me, and within the next minute, calls up my mom...
he tells my mom my little secret.... and he also tells her to keep it secret that he'd told her the secret....
my mom hangs up on my dad, and within the next minute, she calls me up.... and tells me that she knows about my secret....
and she also asks me to keep it secret that she'd told me about the secret which dad'd told her....
i hang up on my mom, and within the next minute, i call up my dad.... and i tell him that ma had told me about the secret that he'd told her about my secret.... and i asked my dad to keep it secret that i'd told him that ma had tol me about his secret that he'd told her about my secret.....
i don't know whether dad called up ma and told her about the secret again or whether he finally decided that there were a little too many secrets running around in the family!!!!....

MORAL OF THE STORY
1> the top secret wasn't any secret any more...
2> my dad can't be trusted with secrets...
3> my mom can't be trusted with secrets...
4> and neither can i be trusted with secrets!!!


Are You Dumber Than A 5th Grader To Watch This Show?????

what's with these TV shows these days????????... talk about "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader"...
and talk about smart Indians!!!... they create an indian version of the same screwed up show, and if that wern't enough, they cast a star, who hosted one of India's 'supposed-to-be-best' gameshow and turned it into a 'never-wanna-be-seen-again' gameshow, as the damn host!!!!
i've not bothered to watch the indian version, so i don't know much about it....
talking about the American original....
sheeeeesh!!!!!....
i can bet that if i ask 5 American kids what anthropoids are, maybe 1 kid out of the 5 might know the answer!....
and these guys on the show think it is 3rd grade biology!!!...
whoever said that the Indian system of education is totally complex and involves a lot of 'by-hearting', was a real loser!!!... because in the American system, kids of the 4th grade are supposed to memorise the names of all the 45 (or so) American Presidents in chronological order as a part of their 4th grade history!!!... now beat that!!!!....
i bet 85% of the Graduates in India don't know the names of all the Indian Presidents in chrono order!!!!... ( i don't know for one!)...
another part i hate in the show are the damn hyper-active kids...
there are these fat good-for-nothing female contestants who come on stage, and on seeing these hyper-active kids, get equally hyper and start jumping n dancing!....
worst part about all this is, more and more such kind of game shows keep coming up by the day....
sometimes i realy wish there was somethin like an Anti Nonsense-Gameshows Committee, where we can voice our hate for these shows!!!....

The Moment Of Embarrassment

nahhhh.... i'm not going to talk about some embarrassing moment that i had in my life... (duh! i got better things to do!)
instead i'm going to talk about the gameshow "THE MOMENT OF TRUTH"....

it was one of those rare times when my mom had actually left the TV free and i was lucky enough to get hold of the remote...
so there i was.... joblessly flipping through the channels...
that was when i hit upon something really flashy and interesting on star world...
it was a new gameshow whose advert had really caught my attention....
the name of the show was "THE MOMENT OF TRUTH"....
it wasn't until i watched my first episode that i found my fascination for the show melt down almost instantaneously....
it's a show in which a host (who presents the whole thing like as if he were asking the questions while he was being held at gunpoint!) asks a whole series of totally personal questions and the contestant is connected to a lie detector.... one lie and the contestant loses millions... and he has to do it in front of a huge crowd that includes his/her family in the front row!!!... so, with each truth he keeps losing the respect of his family members...
a more apt name for the show would have been "EMBARRASS ME IN PUBLIC"!!!!....
anyways... based on what i've seen on the show so far, i've conducted a survey and these are some of my findings....
->79% of the American men population has slept with more than 100 women before they were 24
->83% of American population think their dad is an embarrassment to them
->81.29% of American men population and 91.29% of American women population are not happily married
->84.5% of American men population are not currently dating the hottest chick they've ever dated
->66% of American men population got paid for sex when they were in college


GET A LIFE AMERICANS!!!!.... (don't give us poor Indians any competition for the top spot in the loser ratings!!!)

THE TRIP TO PURG- part V

........'i ain't dead! i ain't dead! i ain't dead!'
'This is a miracle!!!! we've got him back!!!', i heard someone say...
i open my eyes and look around....
i'm lying on a stretcher next to my apartment building...
and around the bed is a team of paramedics....
i see some of my neighbours around me...
i'd just survived a fall from a 32-storey building!!!!...
'You were lucky you fell into the heap of garbage bags!!... but you've got a fractured leg and a broken shoulder Mister!... keep a check on the drinks the next time!', the doctor told me smiling....


MORAL OF THE STORY: never drink n fly...

THE TRIP TO PURG- part IV

R: how tha heck did you land up here???
V: this is where dead people end up man....
R: what's with this 'dead people' thing man???.... i ain't dead!!!!....
V: that's what everyone here thinks when they first come here... don't worry... you'll get used to this place... by the way, d'ya recognise her??? (and he points to a woman behind him)
R: Gina!! of course!!!.... who else but Gina!!!...
V: see??... i told you we'd be together foreva!!!
R: lucky you man!!...
V: so... what does it feel like to be dead???..
R: i ain't friggin' dead man... why can't you get that into your thick head???...
V: you are dead man.... stop being a kid!!!...
R: i ain't dead!.. i ain't dead!.. i ain't dead.. i ain't....................

THE TRIP TO PURG- part III

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Vic had been my roomie for more than 6yrs... the perfect roomie....
life had been just too good back then... the weekend booze... the frequent disco visits... the occasional marijuana smoke-ups...
over the years Vic had come to know me better than anyone else...
everything was perfect... except for one person... Gina... Vic's gurl...

a week before the fateful day, Vic and me were at our place making plans for a roadtrip to Mumbai...
a three-day drive...
everything had been perfectly planned out...
we were going to have the time of our lives...
just as we were done with the planning out, Vic's fone rang...
V: it's gina...
R: (irritated)

15mins later Vic comes in...

V: she's also coming along...
R: WHATTTT???!!!.... what tha heck is wrong with you???!!!!... you out of your mind???....
V: dude... c'mon man... what's tha big deal???... why d'ya hate her so much???...
R: it's not just her man... i hate all women... all they do is dig a hole in your pocket, and when the hole is big enough, they ditch you for another guy... just like mine did 5yrs back... women are nothing but bad luck...
V: dude... all gurls are not the same man... gina and me are meant to be together foreva....
R: wadeva man... i'm calling off tha whole friggin' thing... the two of you can go wherever tha hell you want...

we din't talk till next day evening... after the day at work, it hit me again that i really needed a change... screw it, i thought, let him bring her... so long as she doesn't bother me... i went home, confronted with Vic and the dream roadtrip was back on.... with that bitch coming along...

weekend arrived... early morning, Vic fished out one of the many Vodka bottles we were supposed to take along... 'We're not leaving till we're out of our senses!!!', he said with a beaming smile...
in an hour, we hit the road...
we went to Gina's place to pick her up...
at her place, we had to wait for ten whole minutes for her to get her ass out of her house and into the car...
and then... she appeared!!!..
'God!!!... she's hot...', i thought to myself...
but i still hated her... all women were meant to be hated....
i started hating women ever since my girlfriend of two years walked out on me for another jerk she found online...
'Hey RJ', Gina's voice brought me back to reality...
'Hi', i said with disinterest...
the drive did turn out to be fun... Gina wasn't that bad after all... we kept drinking and driving...

we had driven for more than a day by then... Vic and me were totally sloshed... and that is when i had to hand over the wheel to Gina... i hate it when anyone else other than me drives my car... and now, it was someone i hated a lot, behind the wheel.... 'Bah... life!!!....', i thought to myself...

it was an uphill drive... Victor was in the passenger seat, and i was slumped across the rear seat....
R: female! drive slowly... there're hairpin curves... dangerous...
V: don't worry man... Gina can drive with her eyes closed!!!...

CRASHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

after hearing a loud crash, all i remember was being rushed into a hospital by a team of paramedics... after coming to, i managed to gather some voice and asked about the other two...
'Sorry... those two weren't as lucky... they din't make it...'
a huge lump formed in my throat...
suddenly i realized i was alone in this world and the only person i knew was gone...
'I told you Vic!!!!... i told you not to bring her... THE BITCH KILLED YOU!!!!!....'

two months after Vic passed away, i had had enough of life in India...
i migrated to Perth....
i never went back to India again....

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

THE TRIP TO PURG- part II

'Ouch!!!....'
that really hurt!!!...
its getting really hot.... i open my eyes and put my hand to my head trying to feel for any bumps...
surprisingly there arn't any!!!...
'Where tha heck am i???!!!!'...... i'm in someone's house....
'Hello??? anyone here???', i call out.... no reply....
i look around the house....
its empty... there's not a single piece of furniture in the house....
and there's something weird about the house too!!.... there are no windows!!!!!!!.......
its a square room with just two doors on opposite facing walls.... strange!
i get up from the corner and walk toward one of the doors... i turn the knob and the door swings open...
a very bright light blinds me for a few seconds... then i get adjusted to it...
i see a small room with a couple in it...
the lady is in bed and is holding a baby....
both of them have their backs to me...
'Hey!', i call out... they don't seem to be listening... i look around...
looks like a hospital room to me....
the man moves away from the bed and walks towards a small table....
on the table is a small flask...
i see the man's face...
i recognise him!... it's my father!!!....
'Dad!!!', i call out... still no response...
i look at the bed.... and as i'd guessed, my mother was the lady on the bed....
i call out to her and wave at her.... again no response...
i wonder who the baby in her arms is...

suddenly, a light blinds me again...
and as i get adjusted, i see my school...
the school in which i spent my years growing up!...
i look at one side and i see myself!!!....
the young me is talking to someone...

again, out of nowhere, a light blinds me and this time i'm in front of my college...
it's graduation day...

the next thing i see is the lifeless body of Victor.... poor Victor.... he din't deserve to die....

i've had enough of this place... i get back into the room and shut the door...
i realise that i'd just seen my entire life... like as if something out of a movie....
i wonder what all this means....
i jus wanna get back home and get some sleep...
hoping to find some way out, i walk towards the other door....
i turn the knob, and it swings open in the same manner as the previous one...
outside the door is a vast field....
a field with no limits....
the place looks very pleasant... except for the dull n gloomy lightening....
it makes me feel uneasy....
there are people walking around all over the place....
i step into the field and start walking....
i take a few steps and i look back....
the house has disappeared!!!!....
'I'm stuck in here forever!!!!.... what place is this????.....'
i keep walking.... i walk for what seems eternity....

after walking for what seemed like many miles, i come face to face with a kindly looking lady.
i know her, but i just cant recollect.
after screwing my mind for a while, i suddenly remember.... my grandmother!!!!... she'd passed away when i was 4....
'Gramma!!!', i shout...
she looks at me, but doesn't recognise me...
'Gramma!!... It's me RJ!!!... it's me lil' Sonny!!!!...'
her face brightens up.....
Gramma:Sonny!!!... my lil' boy!!!... my my... look at you!!!.... what a fine young man you've become!!!....
Me: its been so long Gramma!!!
G: how's your dad doing???
i look down in shame... ever since the quarrel eight years back, my ego had never allowed me to contact or check on how my parents were doing....
i'd never heard from them after i split from my family....
G: Dont worry Sonny... i know about everything that's happened.... now your in purgatory... repent for everything you've done....
M: isn't purgatory a place where dead people go Gramma??....
G: yes of course!!!...
M: then why am i here????....
G: your dead Sonny... your time on earth is over....

those words hit me real hard... i dont believe what she said....
I'm not dead!!!!!!....
All this is just a dream... i turn away from her and continue walking...
there is no sun in this place...
all that is there is this gloomy lull...
i have no account of how many days i have been here for...
i continue walking....
in the distance i see someone waving at me...
he looks like a young man.... maybe around my age....
i walk towards him...
'RJ!!!!', he calls out...
i still dont recognise him.... i come close to him...
'RJ!!!.... Dont recognise me huh???....'
'Uhmmm.... no.... i'm sorry... but i don't exactly remember.....'
'Aite.... you got some weed on you????'
'Holy shit, Vic!!!!... Vic its you!!!!....'

THE TRIP TO PURG- part I

the year is 2020... or is it 2021???.... ah... who cares!!!....
as long as i'm enjoyin the solitude....
sitting on the roof of my 32-storey apartment building i stay in gives me an awesome view of entire Perth... i never imagined Perth to be so beautiful!!!...
i look at the time... it's quarter past two in the morning!!...
'Bah... i've been drinkin too much...', i think to myself, holding the empty bottle of Vodka in my hand...
a cool breeze blew into my face... i look up at the sky... it's filled with stars...
'Starry Starry Night'.. i start humming the Don Mclean song... (Ha!.. reminds me of mridula!...)
i start thinking about my college days... unincidental, but fun....
i always wanted to go sky diving when i was in college.... hmmm.... i wonder what its like to go sky diving...
i suddenly wish my friend Victor was with me... would have been fun... the guy was always full of ideas!!...
i walk over to the skirting of the terrace... i lean over to look how high up i am....
the bottom of the building is not even faintly visible in the darkness....
the light wind keeps blowing at my face...
i feel adventurous and feel a sudden surge of blood...
i climb up onto the skirting and stand there with my arms spread-eagled (with my clothes still on!!!... duh!)...
the booze is getting to my head now... i feel an urge to fly...
i spread my arms out and leap forward...
'Ah!.. finally!!!... so this is what sky diving is like!...'
i feel young again....

the wind is blowing much harder into my face now...
i suddenly feel some pain...
the force with which i'm falling is making my head split with pain...
my hands and legs are almost tearing apart....

'Oh God!!!... Am i gonna die?????????'.............


THUDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!............

Sunday, October 19, 2008

THE WALL

nahhhh.... this post is not about some damn cricketer.... nor is it about any psych rock album that puts you off to sleep...
thissssss.... is about THE WALL!!!!.... (perhaps one of the most important posts in my blog!!)
the wall is actually just an imaginary structure that is formed around a person/persons when they feel they're psychologically very much seperated from their peers/family....
i always had this wall around me... ever since i'd come off age to undastand things in life, i noticed this huge structure around me.... only thing is i din't have a definitive name for the structure until a half year back....
the first time i established my discovery with solid proof was just a few weeks back...
it was a fine weekend... at my friends' place... (i'm rarely at my place!!..)... my friends had just finished a huge dinner.... (i'm not into the habit of having huge dinners on weekends.... or on any other day of the week for that matter....)
so these asls after the dinner decide to hit the sack!!!!.... what a perfect way to enjoy the weekend night!!!....
so there!!!.... i'm wide awake and my friends are sound asleep... suddenly my pal Shankar decides it's unfair to leave me alone and gives me company...
we decided to set out on our mission... to search n download the best comedy movies with "scantily clad" chicks in them.... (oooooooh... we love comedies with SC chicks in them!!!.... :D...)
it was past 1am.... here's the convo... (i've changed the dialogues here and there, partly because i need to cut out many "unwanted" details... and partly because i don't remember the exact words!!!.... it was more than 2 months back!!!...)
SHANKAR: dude.... we're so friggin jobless man....
ME: i swear dude.... anyways... don't mind... keep searching....
SHANKAR: sigh... look at those guys.... so fast asleep....
ME: ahhh... i don't care... keep searching....
S: dude have you ever noticed how these guys are so different from us???....
M: hmmmm.... yeah... sometimes.... dude how about that movie???....
S: naaahhhh... it's only got a rating of 3.5..... must be a sucker.... (i hate it when these guys talk about imdb ratings!!!!.... at times even good movies (according to me) go unappreciated jus because the stupid people at imdb have given it a bad rating!!!)
(long silence....)
S: dude have you noticed that these 3 guys are so friggin weird???....
M: yeah... i thought you were weird too!!!... hehe... just kidding.... what makes you say so???...
S: dunno.... sometimes i see 'X' (identity concealed) sitting alone in the room with his book, studying... but whenever i walk into his room, this guy is always staring through the window at the next building's wall!!!!....
(and then he tells me weird things about the other two as well.... blah blah...)
M: dude... have you heard of 'the wall'???....
S: you mean the pink floyd album???...
M: noooooooo..... look carefully around you.... do you see a thick physical structure???.... and i'm the only guy on your side of the wall... do you notice??...
S: holy shit yeah!!!.... the wall!!!.... yeah i see it clearly!!!!.... oh my gawd!!!.... it's so huge!!!!....

hmmm.... so that was how i established the presence of the wall around me....
and shankar krishnamurthy was the only guy who could manage to cross over and get on to my side of the wall....
sigh....