please skip this post if your not an aspiring bollywood actor.... (even if you're an aspiring actor in any other film industry....)
k... here goes....
the first thing you need to do is shave your chest...
there shouldn't be a single strand of hair on your chest...
tone your abs... slight signs of a six-pack will also do.... but please don't make yourself look like Triple H!!!....
tone your thighs too.... (as showing your thighs in the movie might up your popularity rating...)
make sure your dad is an established director/producer/retired actor....
if your dad isn't one of these, get him to compulsorily produce a movie before you make your debut...
once all this is set, you're ready for your first flop movie!!!...
always remember that your first movie is never gonna be a hit....
if it does turn out to be a hit, then you are a genius!!!!.... and Bollywood's definitely not the place you're supposed to be in!!!...
once you're done with the flop movie, it is time for the ultimate hookup....
ask an established actress out.... considering the fact that you have the ultimate abs, thighs and dad, this shouldn't be much of a problem....
be seen in public places with her....
go to discotheques, clubs, matches with her....
always walk around with your arms around her...
one or two slight pecks on her lips once in a while (when you are in a club preferrably) should do... but please don't overdo it...
by this time, you would have created a huge media hype....
make it bigger by denying any relationship with the actress by saying "we're just good friends"....
that should do....
there'd be scores of female presenters on television, who'd be more than happy to talk about your relationship with the actress on some crap gossip show....
so... by now your popularity level would have risen up considerably....
now is the time for your ultimate hit movie....
beg some director who has made recent movies which did considerably well at the box office....
use you're dad's influence if needed....
once he agrees to cast you, beg him to cast your girlfriend as you're heroine....
once he obliges, you are ready to go....
create a more macho image for your character this time in the movie....
avoid showing too much skin this time round.... let your girl do that part....
once you are done with the shooting, then comes the important part... the release of the movie...
attend as many interviews as possible....
but please be careful... act as uninterested as possible.... don't beg the viewers to watch the movie...
if the media asks you about your pairing up with your girlfriend, just act shy, blush and say "no comments".... please don't say "we're just friends" this time!!!!....
off the record, make it clear to the media that this is your resurrection movie and that you are here to stay....
CONGRATS!!!!.... here's your first hit movie!!!!.... but wait!!!!.... it's not yet time to celebrate.... your not a Bollywood Superstar yet!!!!....
once your done with the movie, and all the hype has come down, start accepting offers for endorsements....
please only accept offers that make you look like a macho man.... don't accept offers for fairness creams, or any other ads that might make you look like a fool....
do two to three movies more.... and please don't cast your girl as the heroine in these movies....
its fine even if they don't do very well at the box office...
meanwhile attend as many charity functions as possible...
donate some of your dad's money if possible...
always remember to be seen only with your girl....
never take your mom or dad out with you!!!....
once your done with all this, now comes the time for your ultimate movie....
this is the movie that's gonna shoot yourself up into stardom....
if this movie doesn't do it for you, then its time for you to leave Bollywood....
before you do this movie, make friends with another actress....
be seen with her in public places once in a while.... don't make it too often....
and please don't kiss her in public...
start having a rough time with your old girlfriend....
go to some award function or any other function (that involves seating in an orderly manner) n sit atleast five rows away from your old girlfriend...
make sure that your new girlfriend is also present at the function... but don't let her sit with you...
during the function, avoid your old girlfriend as much as possible, but chat up with your new one whenever possible...
now, you have created enough hype for your ultimate hit movie...
start shooting for the movie.... before you start, make sure that your old girlfriend is cast as your heroine....
if your confidence levels are not that high, then get an established actor to also act in the movie as your father, or your best friend....
please act well.... give it a good shot....
once your done, create a hype by saying that this was the last movie you and your girl acted while you were together....
that's it!!!!!.... you're done!!!!.... you're a SUPERSTAR now!!!!.... congrats!!!....
oh!!!!.... before i forget!!!!....
my account number is 2445600100.... and i charge $500 for the class....
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